#91: The Fanny Pack

Now that summer is in full swing and the kids are out of school, families around the country will be taking trips all over the place. From New York and Chicago to those poor planning parents who thought Disney World in August was a great idea it will be quite a battle. The main concern for any Dad on these trips is that he needs to bring the essentials but also extra materials for Dadness. Extra film, sunscreen, clip on lenses for his glasses, extra thick white socks for his sweaty feet it all needs to go somewhere. The problem is Dad has a limited amount of pockets and a backpack hurts the ole bulging disk from high school football. The solution: FANNY PACK.

Fanny packs are frowned upon by society because they are considered outdated and corny. Dads don’t care because it is functional, easy on the body to carry, and to them it looks just plain cool. His kids of course are embarrassed when Dad wears the fanny pack, but as we all know that is one of Dad’s primary motives in life: embarrassment. 

When Dad digs around in his fanny pack, it is revealed to be an infinitely deep recess of storage much like Hermione Granger’s magical bag from Harry potter. Dad can go elbow deep into the thing and in one swoop pull out the parking stub to the car as well as the half melted Snickers bar he hid from mom because he is “on a diet”. The fanny pack is a magical item in its own right.

So when you see a family that is not from town (believe me they are easy to spot) be sure to look for Dad’s fanny pack. As the strong paternal unit he is often saddled with being the packmule of the trip. Any experienced Dad worth his salt knows that stowage is a premium and the virtues of wearing a fanny pack are as necessary as gravity. Such is the life of a Dad on a family trip.

#90: Classic Dad: Homer Simpson

In Honor of Father’s Day happening Saturday, we want to wish all the Dad’s out there a Happy Father’s Day. With that said, we thought it was appropriate to honor another Classic Dad that I feel partly raised me: Homer Simpson.

Homer has been fathering Bart, Lisa and Maggie as well as most of America, if not the world, since 1989. He is a Dad in every sense of the word: wears the same clothes, rocks the facial hair that stays even when shaven, and embarrasses his kids at every possible moment—whether intentionally or not.

Homer speaks his mind and even coined the phrase “D’oh.” Most Dads attempt to speak slang while Homer creates it. Definitely a Cool Dad. And with his blue-collar nature of drinking and eating donuts and pork chops, every Dad aspires to be him. Homer is definitely worthy of the Father of the Year award he won in 2008. 

When Homer isn’t scarfing down food or doing the bare minimum at his job, he is offering Dad advice to Bart and Lisa that is wise beyond their years. Some of his gems have included

“Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.”
or
“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

It is through this wisdom that not only Bart and Lisa learn, but we all learn how to approach things in life.

Lastly, Homer has participated in many rites of passage as a Dad: from doing a recreational softball league (with the likes of Ken Griffey Jr and Jose Canseco), coaching little league, and using power tools to fix things. But the thing we love most about Homer as we love in all our Dads is that they never stop caring and trying to impress us. 

So Happy Father’s Day to Homer and to all the Dads out there. We wish you a Sunday of beers, comfortable walking shoes, and watching the US Open from the couch. 

                

#89: Taking Pictures

One of Dad’s main responsibilities is to make memories with his children. From baby’s first steps, to little league games, to boy scouts, most Dads are there right alongside their kids. But how does Dad make sure these memories are always remembered? By taking pictures of course…lots of them.

As they age Dad’s hair line recedes, his back hair increases, his belly gets wider, and his memory gets worse. Dad can’t do much about the first three but he can take a ton of pictures to preserve cherished times. But it is not always the big occasions like that touchdown in 4^th grade, rather it is things that are sure to embarrass you in the future. Birthday pictures, you crying your eyes out sitting in Santa’s lap, you wearing that ridiculous outfit mom made you wear, and that weird faze in your life where you wanted to be The Terminator and wore a leather jacket and bandana every waking moment. They are all saved by Dad for future laughter.

Of course Dad’s of the past never had those fancy digital cameras which store like a million pictures of you in the bath on a card smaller than grandpa’s hearing aid. Nope, Dad carried film and lots of it. Always telling you to stay still as he reloaded his Kodak and turning the gears while you froze like a statue next to Mickey Mouse. After standing next to Mickey you start hearing him breathing heavily in the Florida heat and smelling the sweat and it gets awkward. Finally Dad is done loading another roll and he snaps some more shots of you clearly uncomfortable next to the Messiah of Disney World (For the record, we here at TSD love Disney World, the Happiest Place on Earth). 

You may hate Dad constantly taking pictures all the time, much like him constantly filming using his massive Shoulder Mounted Video Camera, but it is totally worth it down the road. I have never laughed harder than when we pull out old family pictures and videos and just look at the stuff in the background. It is priceless. Dad knows what he is doing with that camera.

#88: Coolers

How does one keep things cold but also portable; Say if they were going to the beach, on a picnic, tailgating, or just looking to drink on the outside patio? That question today is answered by Dads with a quick trip to the garage. Dads bust out the classic Cooler ready to be packed with goodies and piled into the trunk of the car.

The Cooler is an essential tool for Dad. It allows him to bring snacks for long family road trips and vacations, or it serves as a safe place for his beers while he goes around fixin’ stuff.

Coolers come in all sizes; from the personal portable lunch box cooler to the giant 100 quart Styrofoam one time use cooler, Dad is covered. The cooler game has expanded to different sizes and colors, but the classic Igloo white lid and blue bottom is classic Dad. No Father’s Day BBQ is complete without pulling a beer from it.
Whether it’s a Coleman, an Igloo, Sterns or even a Durachill, as long as it holds ice and can fit a 24 pack of beers, it’ll work in Dad’s world. 

                    

#87: Golfing

Dad likes to think he is an athlete. He always talks about that one time he almost started at quarterback in high school and that time he hit a walk off home run in Little League. But nowadays with Dad’s bad knee, back, elbow, and/or neck he cannot be the competitor he “used” to be. That is where the “sport” of golf comes in to save the day. Now the writers here at TSD are golfers so we are not here to make fun of it. We are Dads in training and are learning the game so we can be prepared when we become Dads in the future.

Golf is a great activity for Dads because it combines a lot of the great aspects of life: being outdoors, being with other Dads where they complain about their kids, smoking and drinking at will, gambling, and of course minimal physical exercise. Dad isn’t playing at Augusta or Pebble Beach on the PGA so you know he is using a golf cart. That reduces the amount of walking by 98%, leaving only the five yard saunter to the tee box as the longest trek of the day. Of course Dad does burn off some calories fishing for his ball in the creek or chopping through Vietnam density brush when his slice comes into play.

Any game where Dad plays better with a drink or two in him is a special game. On the range Dad will complain about previously stated injury from high school and how it is making him hit the ball thin. But on the journey from the range to the first tee, Dad has an ice cold beer and unleashes his inner Arnold Palmer, hitting every green in regulation. Some frown upon this saying that drinking has no place on the golf course but if Dad has been hitting triple bogeys all day a cocktail is needed. And any place where it is accepted to drive a mini car with an open container is a place people want to be.

So don’t fret when Dad takes a weekend afternoon to hit the links. He just wants to be out in the fresh air hitting some balls. He just wants to do it away from the family where he can forget about being Dad. Out there he is just Walt, the man with the 300 yard drive. It is a magical place where Dad can disappear and justify that chicken fried steak for dinner because he got “exercise” on the course.

#86: Binoculars

All young boys dream of the day of being a secret agent or a navy seal. Not because of the dangerous missions or the under-cover identities, but rather for the chance to use night-vision goggles. 9.5 out of 10 guys don’t get to live that dream and when they become a Dad they find the next best thing: Binoculars.

Even as Dad ages and needs glasses, he can count on binoculars to help him see things far away in great detail as if it were the back of his hand. They must be viewed with a leather strap around the neck as well as leather case for protection. “This isn’t a toy” Dad says sternly as he lets you look into them. Binoculars are the definition of Dad’s look, but don’t touch toy. He holds them as you gaze into their wonderment.

To you, binoculars just make things far away seem very close. To Dad, binoculars allow him to enter another world. Whether he is bird watching and explains the intricate detail of the feathers he can see or if he is watching the baseball game and can tell that Soriano’s swing is off because he saw his shoulder slump, the binoculars tell all.

So while you strain your eyes to see across the park, Dad can tell you how many wrinkles the old man feeding the ducks has. James Bond has his laser pen as his go-to tool, but Dad has his binoculars.