#51: Coaching Little League

“TIME FOR PRACTICE!” Dad yells to you from down the hall. As you lace up your cleats, because the best part of being on a team is the new shoes, you can’t help but think what drills is coach gonna have us run today? Little do you know that Dad has planned for all you kids to run “til the cows come home!” Whatever that means. And why does Dad have a say in your drills? Because like all Dads, He is your little league coach.

There are precisely 5 coaches on your little league team. 4 of them are Dads and the last one was assigned by the community service center…something about giving back or something. But since Dad is a coach, you now have expectations. You simply wanted to get your clothes dirty, play ball, and maybe sneak in eating some sourgrass when no one was looking. Is it true that dog pee is what makes it taste so sour?

Dad has different plans. Since you are his child, Dad will get to live all his athletic dreams through you. Practice doesn’t end at 6 o’clock for you like it does for the other kids. Strategy discussions are held nightly at dinner, your backyard is now a training ground. Dad even goes so far to break mom’s ‘no-ball-in-the-house’ rule by surprise attacks of thrown balls when you’re walking down the hall. This isn’t limited to just baseball. Dad knows how the sports seasons go. His training regime actually is a cross-training system that gets you ready for soccer, basketball, and pee-wee football. This way Dad can see which sport really makes you shine.

Dad’s mission: make you a star. Because then He will be the Dad of a star. All for the simple pleasure of when he’s much older (grandpa status), He can say “I taught you everything you know.” And it may not hit you at first…but then you realize it is true.

#50: Intimidating the Boyfriend

**Since the editors here at TSD are of the male persuasion (as you probably guessed) this post will be written from the male perspective**

Tommy knows what is on the other side of that door. Obviously there is Sarah, his lab partner from science class, who he is taking on a date tonight. But there is something infinitely scarier than the first date with a cute girl. It is her Dad answering the door and waiting with him while his daughter gets ready for the movie. Dad opens the door and he looks like a mountain of a man, he has to be at least seven feet tall. He is either scowling at Tommy or grinning with anticipation of what is to come. “So you’re here to take out my little princess!”

Tommy is ushered into the family room and awkwardly sits in the first chair he sees, but the Dad bellows “THAT IS MY CHAIR”. He has established his utter dominance over Tommy as the next twelve minutes of Tommy’s life stretch into an eternity. It has begun.

Dads love to make boys very uncomfortable before dates and it is because right off the bat Dad knows what this kid is up to. Little Tommy wants to get his precious daughter drunk/pregnant/high/all of the above. Even if Tommy is the second coming of Jesus himself, Dad will always assume the worst and prepare for it accordingly. Common tactics include staring Tommy down and not saying a word, slugging down a fifth of Jack Daniels and talking about how he would not mind going back to prison, or extensively maintaining his knife collection in full eyesight of Tommy. These are very effective methods but Dads everywhere know that anything they do will intimidate the hell out of Tommy.

When Sarah finally comes down the stairs, Tommy is so relieved to get out of the house that he almost shoots out of his seat. Dad of course tells him to have his daughter back by 9:30 or there will be hell to pay. If Tommy thinks he can sneak her back later he is sorely mistaken. Dad’s parting words are sure to ring in Tommy’s ears all night, “I am probably going to be up all night so I will see you when you get Sarah home. It will probably take all night to clean my shotguns.” Even if Dad does not own a gun, Dad knows he can always use a good Rodney Atkins song to scare the hell out of anyone who wants to take his Daughter on a date. It is a Dad’s instinct to protect his daughter, and they love using intimidation on some poor kid because it happened to them many years ago. It is the circle of life.

#49: Falling Asleep in Public Places

It’s back to school time and that means shopping! Time to hit the local mall to make sure you get your latest fashion trends from American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, and Anthropology. I only shop at stores that start with the letter A. “Why do you even buy new clothes? You buy jeans that have more holes in them than your old clothes?” Dad inquires. Dad doesn’t understand the importance of looking good for the first day/week of school. If it was up to him, you’d be visiting the JC Penny clearance rack, Target, and the closet of your siblings for hand-me-downs. “This is a recession. New clothes are a privilege.” Thanks Dad

Dad reluctantly heads to the mall with you and mom because shopping needs to be a family activity in mom’s eyes. As you stroll through each store, Dad pulls the classic move of coming up with an excuse to wait outside the store. This is Dad’s sanctuary at the mall: the chair and couch lounge. Here you can see Dads pretending to watch the kids in the playpen as their eyes slowly close. “I was just dozing off.” Dads nod at each other as a new Dad arrives to the couch area as if to say “You got dragged here too? Welcome.”

Dad’s ability to “doze off” which is actually falling asleep in public places is uncanny. If its not the designated sofa area in the center of the mall, it’s the plastic chair at Forever 21, it’s the broken chair outside the waiting room at Macy’s, or best yet it’s standing up while in line at Nordstroms.

Now when you’re older, Dad participates in the back to school shopping not only because its easier to embarrass you ( I’m 18, why does Dad insist on helping me choose clothes ), but it also means you are buying lamps, TVs, couches and bedding for college and moving out. That requires Dad’s heavy lifting as well as his ability to try out every mattress or love seat at IKEA.

Where’d Dad go? As you scan the cabinets section at IKEA. 50 yards out, you spot Dad, face first in the display bed of the green serene room. “You gotta try this bed!” Dad murmurs. But in reality, he’d never spend $600 on your bed, but it sure helps pass the time while you decide if you want a white or black bedside table. Or do I get bold and choose a bright color? Dad doesn’t care because He’s catching up on his rest by testing out the leather sofa three sections over.

#48: Grilling

In honor of the impending Labor Day, we are going to delve into one of the most Dad things a Dad can do. With the end of summer approaching, no doubt we have all enjoyed the long days and the warm weather. One of the best ways to celebrate summer is with grilling. Dads love to grill because, to be honest, it is one of the few ways they know how to prepare food. Dad will prepare a smorgasbord of meats piled high on your plate with no room for vegetables of course. Veggies have no room on Dad’s grill.

Dad actually does have a vast knowledge of grilling. He knows when the coals are ready (about as long as it takes to drink one beer), when to flip the burger/chicken/steak (half of a beer), and how hot the grill should be (makes the beer can sweat). That is why Dad loves to grill so much, he does not need a stupid egg timer what is he doing, baking a cake? NO, Dad is cooking animal meat and he needs precision timing to make everything work. Dad insists that the beer drinking method is infallible.

Dad can also grill on anything remotely resembling a grill. Whether it is propane, charcoal, oak, cherry, or any other type of wood, Dad can handle it. True Dads can even make their own grill in dire circumstances such as tailgating for football games. In a pinch, Dad can make a grill out of a bowl and the side of a shopping cart. Is Dad MacGyver? No, he is just a man on a mission to cook some meat. However, Dad is in a constant arms race with his friends to have the best grill. At a cookout a Dad powwow will always form around the grill where Dads discuss the size of the grill, how hot it can get, what accessories the grill has, and of course they will swap grilling techniques. Watching such a meeting of the minds on the scale of the Yalta Conference can be a harrowing experience.

Be sure to enjoy these last days of summer because before you know it your days will be cold and dark and filled with math homework. Watch Dad and talk with him about grilling because he will be happy to teach you how to sear a good steak. In order to truly appreciate Dadhood, you need to know how to grill. So pop open a cold beverage and appreciate the long weekend ahead with a plate of burgers, bratwurst, and no non-meats whatsoever. Except for mayonnaise soaked potato salad and baked beans of course.