#148 Injuries

Dads may be men of other worldly strength and the greatest athletes you’ve ever witnessed in person but even Dad’s get injured.

And yes, everyone gets injured. You’ve broken a bone or cut a hand when handing scissors the wrong way. But when Dads get injured, they are chronic and FOR LIFE. These injuries are minor and most people with a tolerance of pain would ignore them. NOT DAD.

These injuries are to be publicized and displayed. Banged your knee on something? KNEE BRACE. Twisted ankle? WALKING BOOT. Strained shoulder? SHOULDER SLING. Sore back? ICY HOT…because Shaq said so.

Dad uses these injuries to his advantage. They allow him to rest so he can fall asleep anywhere, watch golf all day (even the replay), and avoid giving you piggyback rides. Dad even avoids eating at the table because his back makes it so he can’t get up.

Meanwhile, you have a 102 degree fever and have to go to school…because it’s good for you.

 

#146: Washing the Car

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BABY!" Dad yells. The sun is shining, summer is here and it's a beautiful day. What could Dad possibly have to yell about? That's when you notice Dad's new toy. No, not a new power tool nor weed wacker for the lawn. Rather, it is Dad's car that is never meant to be driven.

See, when Dad goes through his mid-life crisis (aka when he starts balding), Dad will often buy an impractical car. It can only be used during the summer months. And even then, it is never driven but only displayed and washed in the drive way.

Now you can only hope to borrow this car when you are 16, but Dad treats it better than he treats you so there's a slim chance of that. While you're lucky to get lunch money, Dad spends your allowance on the finest of tire cleaning soap.

Dad cleans his car in very precise ways. Rinse, lather & repeat is taken to a new level when Dad washes his car. Mr. Miyagi's "wax on, wax off" teachings are child's play compared to Dad's sponge, towel, and air dry method. At the end of the wash, Dad's car is cleaner than your mouth after a trip to the Dentist.

And how does Dad celebrate a new clean car? By carefully wheeling it into the garage. "I don't want any birds to poop on it." Some day you'll have something you treasure half as much as Dad treasures his car.

             

#144: Conserving Things

"Don't throw that away, there's still plenty left!" exclaims Dad as you are throwing away the bones from your ribs. You licked them cleanly, but Dad notices meat and fat on the ends. When Dad isn't eating the leftovers on your plate, he is keeping them for another meal. "I could make a mean stew out of this." I hate Dad's stews...

Dad loves to conserve things. From using the very last bit of ketchup from the bottle to saving every last penny, Dad knows how to make use of every last thing in your life. Some call it being thrifty, Dad calls it common sense.

This thriftiness is also economical and sentimental. His torn t-shirts may scream unfashionable to you, but to Dad they say "look at the money you've saved by not buying new clothes." And why is Dad saving all your old clothes? He really does miss you as a baby. (You'll thank him in college when you have the best themed party outfits).

That's why you can find your batteries in the freezer "because they last longer when stored in there," or get yelled at for touching the thermostat, you understand Dad is just looking for ways to make things more efficient. While mom sees beauty in all things, Dad sees opportunity in all things. Another man's garbage is another man's treasure? Wrong.

Another man's garbage is Dad's treasure.

#142: Buying Gifts for Himself

 Father’s Day is quickly approaching, so better think of some gifts to get Dad. What should I get him?

Hmmm…

Still stumped.

Why is it so hard to get gifts for Dad?
The problem is that when Dad isn’t purchasing a gift for you that he secretly wants, he is using his hard earned money to buy himself gifts. Rather than wait a week for the gift for his birthday, Father’s day, or Christmas, Dad just buys it for himself. It’s as if he is following his advice and Dad-ism, “Why do something later that you could do now?” This is why it is so hard to get gifts for Dads. That’s why Dad’s always have to pretend to like their Father’s Day gifts. The ties, shoes, and cards are custom cop-out gifts. It’s what we give when we have no idea what Dad actually wants.

You had ideas—the newest gadget from Sharper Image? Dad bought it last week. The tickets to the sporting event, Dad bought them with work buddies. The brew your own beer set, Dad bought that when mom wasn’t looking. The new power tool adapter? Dad bought it during the infomercial.

So good luck with your last minute gifts this weekend for Father’s Day presents. Dad has everything he really wants. But because of that, Dad appreciates all the random knick knack gifts even more.

                              

#140: Beach Attire

Towels, check. Sunblock, check. Oversized tote bag, check. You are ready for the beach. Dad, on the other hand, has a much bigger checklist for his beach outings.

Sunblock, check. Extra sunblock, check. Bucket Hats, towels, coolers, sunglasses, croakies, windbreaker (wait—what?), first aid kit, lawn chair, and socks with sandals. Dad is now ready to conquer the beach.

For Dads, the beach isn’t just a place to bury your kids and make up false treasure maps that your kids still believe to this day. The beach is a place to embarrass your kids while also teaching them lessons. “Why does Dad have to wear that goofy hat and sunblock on his nose?” “BECAUSE UV RAYS ARE SILENT KILLERS!”

While you enjoy the seashells and building sand castles, Dad will stay back under the umbrella and observe the waves and current tide. Don’t worry though, Dad chose your spot on the sand away from the current’s pull incase you wanted to go into the water. 

And when you’ve exhausted the day by somehow swallowing more salt water and sand than your body weight, you waddle yourself over to the beach showers. Dad, meanwhile, packs things up efficiently, showing no signs of sand or having even been at the beach. “The secret is an extra pair of socks.” And you wonder how Dad got so wise as you fall asleep on the drive home. 

#138: To Do/Check Lists

After a long week of work, Dad wants to spend the weekend cracking open beers, relaxing in his chair and watching golf. He deserves it. But that’s when mom hands him the honey-do list.

You may think you’re the only one that has chores. But Dad’s get a list of them. And rightfully so because Dad’s can’t function without To Do and Check lists. While mom’s can multi-tasks (cooking dinner while on the phone with grandma and teaching you algebra all at the same time), Dad needs a break down of tasks that need to be handled one at a time.

While your chores consist of taking out the garbage (And take it all the way to sidewalk? You think I’m a superhero or something?), Dad has to pay credit cards, clean the garage, clean the gutters, pick up dry cleaning, buy gift for the nephew we never see, pick up dinner, build new desk for study, refill ink cartridge, and install router for wireless internet.

The To-Do list immediately goes into Dad’s pocket next to his belt strap phone holder. He will pull it out only to review his progress and also complain to the cashier at the hard-ware store to show “how much the old lady is making me do.”

Don’t worry Dad because as soon as you cross off all the tasks from that To-Do list, there’ll be another one waiting to handle during the week after work. 

#136 Asking Logical Questions about Rap

After Dad has exposed you to the wonders of Jazz for the past hour, he finally gives you control of the car stereo. That is when you take the opportunity to blast some of your rebellious Rap and/or R&B. Dad doesn’t comprehend this bubble gum music. And while you embrace the beats, he is busy trying to understand the lyrics to make sure they aren’t offensive. 

That is when Dad pulls the ultimate Dad move: questions. You’re used to Dad questioning you at the dinner table, but his logical questions about rap songs are the best. Please find some example Dad questions below and see if you can figure out the song he is asking about.

So where did he get his start? And where is he now? (Answer)

Why would they forget about him? (Answer)

Why can't she remember her name? (Answer)

If it wasn’t him, who was it? (Answer)

What do you think Caroline did to him? (Answer)

What’s a boo? (Answer) 

Don’t bands want her to dance? (Answer)

Do you even know what he’s saying? (Answer: Any Pitbull song)

What are they even saying? (Answer: Any rap song)

Now Dad poses them as rhetorical questions, but expects straight answers. So next time you feel the urge to play your music around Dad, be ready to answer some questions.