#140: Beach Attire

Towels, check. Sunblock, check. Oversized tote bag, check. You are ready for the beach. Dad, on the other hand, has a much bigger checklist for his beach outings.

Sunblock, check. Extra sunblock, check. Bucket Hats, towels, coolers, sunglasses, croakies, windbreaker (wait—what?), first aid kit, lawn chair, and socks with sandals. Dad is now ready to conquer the beach.

For Dads, the beach isn’t just a place to bury your kids and make up false treasure maps that your kids still believe to this day. The beach is a place to embarrass your kids while also teaching them lessons. “Why does Dad have to wear that goofy hat and sunblock on his nose?” “BECAUSE UV RAYS ARE SILENT KILLERS!”

While you enjoy the seashells and building sand castles, Dad will stay back under the umbrella and observe the waves and current tide. Don’t worry though, Dad chose your spot on the sand away from the current’s pull incase you wanted to go into the water. 

And when you’ve exhausted the day by somehow swallowing more salt water and sand than your body weight, you waddle yourself over to the beach showers. Dad, meanwhile, packs things up efficiently, showing no signs of sand or having even been at the beach. “The secret is an extra pair of socks.” And you wonder how Dad got so wise as you fall asleep on the drive home. 

#63 The Santa Hat

Much like Dad enjoys wearing his bucket hats, baseball caps, and beanies, Dad trades them all in come holiday time for the Santa Hat. Santa does get a lot of recognition around the holiday time: Jewelry commercials, coke cans, and cookie cutter shapes. So Dad naturally hops on Santa’s coattails and wears the Santa hat around as if to say “I could be Santa if I wanted to.”

He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…Dad, how does Santa know all that? “Because I tell him. Me and Santa are buddies…see we have the same hat.” Your mind sorts trying to find evidence to prove otherwise, but none comes. Dad and Santa are friends?

Dad skips away with the red hat bobbing before you can ask any follow up questions. You better behave because that Santa hat has some sort of connection and it isn’t coming off until Dad trades it in for the sparkling New Years 2012 hat&glasses combination.

Mom likes Dad wearing the Santa Hat because “its festive.” You don’t mind it except for when he wears it out in public. Do you really need to wear it to CVS? “OMG THEY HAVE A GREEN SANTA HAT TOO?” You hear Dad exclaim from the next aisle over. There’s $12.99 your family will never see again.

The Santa Hat shows Dad’s joy for the holidays and gives him a sense of purpose on Christmas morning. Even though Santa was out all night delivering gifts, Dad knows the real work is Christmas morning in the sorting of the gifts. Dad puts the Santa Hat on like a required uniform and sorts through gifts meticulously, creating mini piles of each person’s gifts. I just wanna know who the big one is for. Then Dad carefully delivers each gift to you, mom, and your siblings in the order that Santa meant for them to be opened. So they are friends…

#57 Awkward Fitting Hats

Dad's have a unique fashion sense. Rather than lead the pack and discover the new trend, Dads are often 2 years behind and think they are "bringing it back." A Dad's closet is pretty much a Hipster's dream. But the one fashion item that is constant for Dad, aside from his white new balances, is his plethora of hats. And no matter what, that hat does not fit correctly and does not look good.

Dad has all sorts of hats: baseball caps, flat caps, wool hats ("Gotta cover my ears!"), beanies, a beret for some unknown reason, boaters, bowlers, fedoras (from before fedoras were cool again), his beach hat, and many more. But the most Dad hat of all is the bucket hat.

It is said the bucket hat serves a purpose, but to you it seems its purpose is pure embarrassment. There are pictures of you as a toddler in Dad's bucket hat. It's an instant classic as your face is covered and you're marching around in your undies. How funny it was then...

Unfortunately, Dad insists on wearing that same bucket hat to your rainy soccer games, sunny walks through your crush's neighborhood, or when mowing the lawn as the school bus drops you off. Dad rocks the bucket hat with pride as it covers his bald spot, shields his eyes from the sun and makes him look cool. It's Dads way of "keeping it real." "That rapper GG Cool Ray wore em, why can't I?"

You've even tried hat substitutes, but somehow even the other more normal hats look goofy on Dad. Adjustable snapback baseball caps apparently don't have a Dad size on them. Beanies turn into Jewish Kippah's on Dad. And don't even think about tempting Dad to wear his fedora.
The best advice is to let Dad wear his hats as he pleases and cross your fingers that it comes back into fashion as soon as possible.