#118 Not Knowing What He Got You for Christmas:

It is two days after Christmas, so by now you’ve already broken at least half of your toys and stained 3 of you brand new shirts. I wish New Year’s came with gifts. The remaining gifts are either durable or require an exchange, so it is time to pester Dad for a ride to the mall. The conversation usually goes a little something like this:

“Daaaad…will you take me to the mall?”
“What for? You just got a ton of gifts!”
“I have to exchange this shirt.”
“That’s a great shirt though! Did Grandma get it for you?”
“No—you did.”

That is when you realize Dad has no idea what he got you for Christmas. So that’s why you got the R rated movies and Slim Shady LP with Parental Advisory sticker. We know Dad is an advocate of the list, but to follow it entirely without knowledge of what he is getting is pretty impressive. The salesman at Target even threw in the see-through purple N64 controller because he knew you’d want it.

The other classic move is that Dad has no idea what size you are for clothing. While Santa knows your size because he watches you when you’re sleeping or awake, Dad takes a guess because “you grow faster by the minute.” It becomes clear that Mom bought you the shirts. It’s even clearer as you witness Dad not even dressing himself as mother returns with fresh clothing for him every so often.

So let that be a lesson to kids for future years: be very precise with what you want. If you want Heelys, you better be specific, otherwise you’ll end up with the new Skechers Shape Ups that match Mom’s pair.

#67: Christmas Lights

With the holiday season over, mom looks forward to Valentine’s Day baked goods, cards, and yelling at dad for forgetting a gift. Dad on the other hand still has some holiday chores. And none is more essential than taking down the holiday decorations, particularly the lights.

Before the holidays, Dad was setting up the lights in an elaborate fashion. Even though he groans while climbing up the ladder to hang lights in front of the house, Dad has also made sure that its new state of the art lights that will shine brighter than any neighbors. With the basic display, it shines as a classic setting for the holidays.

And with the holidays over, it’s time for Dad to take down his creation. Well, it’s not that hard, just take it down the way you put it up. That’s what amateurs think. It may look simple, but Dad elaborately put the lights up in such a particular order that it can’t be repeated. Taking the lights down is harder than sorting a jar of M&Ms or wandering through a labyrinth.

The maze of lights must be taken down delicately and methodically, as to allow for easy set up the following year. For anyone else partaking in taking down decorations, it is a frustrating and tedious act. For Dad, it’s just another chore that calls for an ice cold beer...'til next year.

#63 The Santa Hat

Much like Dad enjoys wearing his bucket hats, baseball caps, and beanies, Dad trades them all in come holiday time for the Santa Hat. Santa does get a lot of recognition around the holiday time: Jewelry commercials, coke cans, and cookie cutter shapes. So Dad naturally hops on Santa’s coattails and wears the Santa hat around as if to say “I could be Santa if I wanted to.”

He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…Dad, how does Santa know all that? “Because I tell him. Me and Santa are buddies…see we have the same hat.” Your mind sorts trying to find evidence to prove otherwise, but none comes. Dad and Santa are friends?

Dad skips away with the red hat bobbing before you can ask any follow up questions. You better behave because that Santa hat has some sort of connection and it isn’t coming off until Dad trades it in for the sparkling New Years 2012 hat&glasses combination.

Mom likes Dad wearing the Santa Hat because “its festive.” You don’t mind it except for when he wears it out in public. Do you really need to wear it to CVS? “OMG THEY HAVE A GREEN SANTA HAT TOO?” You hear Dad exclaim from the next aisle over. There’s $12.99 your family will never see again.

The Santa Hat shows Dad’s joy for the holidays and gives him a sense of purpose on Christmas morning. Even though Santa was out all night delivering gifts, Dad knows the real work is Christmas morning in the sorting of the gifts. Dad puts the Santa Hat on like a required uniform and sorts through gifts meticulously, creating mini piles of each person’s gifts. I just wanna know who the big one is for. Then Dad carefully delivers each gift to you, mom, and your siblings in the order that Santa meant for them to be opened. So they are friends…