#118 Not Knowing What He Got You for Christmas:

It is two days after Christmas, so by now you’ve already broken at least half of your toys and stained 3 of you brand new shirts. I wish New Year’s came with gifts. The remaining gifts are either durable or require an exchange, so it is time to pester Dad for a ride to the mall. The conversation usually goes a little something like this:

“Daaaad…will you take me to the mall?”
“What for? You just got a ton of gifts!”
“I have to exchange this shirt.”
“That’s a great shirt though! Did Grandma get it for you?”
“No—you did.”

That is when you realize Dad has no idea what he got you for Christmas. So that’s why you got the R rated movies and Slim Shady LP with Parental Advisory sticker. We know Dad is an advocate of the list, but to follow it entirely without knowledge of what he is getting is pretty impressive. The salesman at Target even threw in the see-through purple N64 controller because he knew you’d want it.

The other classic move is that Dad has no idea what size you are for clothing. While Santa knows your size because he watches you when you’re sleeping or awake, Dad takes a guess because “you grow faster by the minute.” It becomes clear that Mom bought you the shirts. It’s even clearer as you witness Dad not even dressing himself as mother returns with fresh clothing for him every so often.

So let that be a lesson to kids for future years: be very precise with what you want. If you want Heelys, you better be specific, otherwise you’ll end up with the new Skechers Shape Ups that match Mom’s pair.

#71 Last Minute Valentine's Day

You’ve seen the cards out for a while now. Walgreens has the decorations and dedicated aisles of chocolate since December 26^th. Red and pink have been flowing passed your eyes from all directions. Yet come second week of February when you ask Dad, “Hey, what’d you get mom for Valentine’s Day?” A look of terror comes over Dad as if you just revealed he has cancer.

“Valentine’s Day is this weekend, eh? I’ve got something up my sleeve” Dad answers snarkly. If only you could read his mind as he pans over the newspaper I TOTALLY FORGOT! What’s the thing she’s been hinting at for the past year? What was she mad about that I didn’t get her for Christmas? Are there any coupons in this paper?

Just because Dad knows everything doesn’t mean he remembers everything…especially the significant events of birthdays, anniversaries, and valentine’s day. Last minute gifts are Dad’s specialty. That isn’t to say thought didn’t go into them. It’s more of a Dad can’t perform without pressure or a deadline. Why do you think you’re always souvenir shopping on your family trip an hour before your flight?

Then as you bring up your hand-made card sealed with a kiss, you notice mom’s smile as she sits up in bed. Breakfast in bed, fresh bouquet of flowers and a jewelry box on the nightstand. Dad comes through in the clutch again. And to top it off, Dad got the babysitter for tonight cause he’s taking mom out for a night on the town. Dad comes through yet again.

From all of us here at That’s So Dad, we wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day! Even the last minute planned ones.

#61: Savings Bonds and $2 as Gifts

After the candles have been blown out, after the horrible singing, and after scarfing (literally scarfing) down the cake, it’s time for presents. You open birthday cards, gift bags, and the random shaped wrapped gift that turns out to be a nerf-football. Then it is time for not Dad’s gift, but for Dad’s Dad’s gift; Grandpa’s Gift!

Let us not forget that Grandpa still technically is a Dad, so in typical Dad fashion, he gets you a gift that wasn’t on your list. “What’s this?” “HARHAR (because Grandpa doesn’t have a typical laugh) That is a savings bond! You’ll be thanking me for that later.”

A Savings bond? Apparently they were a big deal back in Grandpa’s day. “It’ll be worth a fortune in a few years.” “Thanks Grandpa…” you sigh out as you go for a hug. That is when Grandpa’s eyes gleam and he states with his snicker “You didn’t think that’s all you’d get, did you? Course I got you something you could use today!” While your heart beats out of excitement, Grandpa pulls out a crisp $2 bill. “Don’t spend it all in one place!”

In the end you got a gift that you can’t use for another 10 years and the other is less than what the Asian kid in class got for New Years in February. I still don’t comprehend that. But you smile and hug Grandpa because it’s the thought that counts. And part of you understands now why Dad is the way he is.

#37 Liking Father's Day Gifts

*First of all, Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. Without you, these characteristics wouldn't be associated with all the glory that comes with fatherhood*

"Happy Father's Day Dad!" You exclaim excitedly this morning as Dad is mumbling himself awake. Every other morning, Dad is up and chipper before you, but somehow each Father's Day, you are wide awake before him as Dad attempts to sleep in as this is his day. "Open your gifts!"

Dad opens the cards and reads each word carefully as you sit in your pjs anxiously waiting for the gifts to be unwrapped. You spent hours trying to find the perfect gift but nothing made sense for you to get Dad, so you ended up with a prank t-shirt/mug/tie/apron. Dad has to pretend to like my gift, so let's see him fake this one. Dad opens the funny tshirt stating "#1 Dad 2011" or "World's Greatest Dad" with an arrow pointing straight up at him. It's a cheesey gift that is appropriate for Father's Day and never again. So job well done...

Except...DAD LOVES IT! The classic Dad move in this scenario is he immediately puts the shirt/tie/button on and refuses to take it off. For the formal dinner tonight to celebrate, will Dad be wearing a suit? Nope, he'll be wearing his new favorite tshirt in order to show the world his rank of Dads on this day. And it just so happens that your crush will be at this dinner and Dad is waitingly ready to embarrass you by declaring his love for the gift you got him. Don't try to tell Dad to quiet down, because that just makes things worse as he is entitled to do and say anything today because it is his day. Even on Father's Day, Dad doesn't hesitate to embarrass you, but only this time you brought it upon yourself trying to outsmart Dad with a witty gift. Maybe next year you'll just get him the latest bottle opener from Sharper Image.

#32 Gifts for you that Dad wants

"Here, open mine!" Dad proclaims. Dad's knees clatter with excitement and his upper body flails like yours after one too many pixie sticks. You start to untie the ribbon of the present Dad got you. The wrapping was obviously done by mom, but this present was especially picked out for you by Dad. You remove the box and there before you sits a present that you don't fully comprehend.

"You like it?"

Classic Dad. Dads tend to get their kids a gift that the kid doesn't necessarily want, but rather Dad buys it so he can relive his childhood or try out the latest toy without feeling guilty. These gifts range from Train sets, Legos, complex model airplanes meant for an age group you're not part of, to even Easy Bake ovens (this way Dad can sneak in brownies without mom knowing). Sometimes the gifts are too random to even make sense: a new bed comforter, a matching belt, or next year's social studies book and Brain Quest set.

"Oh...thanks Dad. I love it."

"LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS" Dad quickly takes the present out of the box for a demonstration for all to see. Forget instructions, Dad has already memorized them at the toy store when the cashier demonstrated the gift in the first place. The demonstration continues to a round of out of rhythm applause while people scan the room for the birthday cake. "See! It's not only fun, but practical!"

You thank Dad with a big hug and set the present down with the others. At the end of the party you shove all the presents at the foot of your bed and lay down because your sugar high is finally wearing off. *Knock knock* "Want me to show you more of what that present can do?

I can tinker with it to make sure it runs right." Dad passively asks as he is already digging through the present pile. "Go ahead Dad, knock yourself out."

You've never seen that gift again.