#136 Asking Logical Questions about Rap

After Dad has exposed you to the wonders of Jazz for the past hour, he finally gives you control of the car stereo. That is when you take the opportunity to blast some of your rebellious Rap and/or R&B. Dad doesn’t comprehend this bubble gum music. And while you embrace the beats, he is busy trying to understand the lyrics to make sure they aren’t offensive. 

That is when Dad pulls the ultimate Dad move: questions. You’re used to Dad questioning you at the dinner table, but his logical questions about rap songs are the best. Please find some example Dad questions below and see if you can figure out the song he is asking about.

So where did he get his start? And where is he now? (Answer)

Why would they forget about him? (Answer)

Why can't she remember her name? (Answer)

If it wasn’t him, who was it? (Answer)

What do you think Caroline did to him? (Answer)

What’s a boo? (Answer) 

Don’t bands want her to dance? (Answer)

Do you even know what he’s saying? (Answer: Any Pitbull song)

What are they even saying? (Answer: Any rap song)

Now Dad poses them as rhetorical questions, but expects straight answers. So next time you feel the urge to play your music around Dad, be ready to answer some questions.

#12 The Dance

Now Dad likes his music. And He isn't afraid to tell you about it. Furthermore, Dad isn't afraid to dance to it. Dads have two types of dances.

1. The Conservative Dance:

Dad dances with his arms at his sides. They alternate and raise only to shoulder length at random times culminating with an off-beat snap or clap. Dad's hips sway back and forth in abrupt movements because He saw Ricky Martin do it on TV. Dad taps his toes surprisingly on beat, bending his knees in order to display different heights and levels to his routine. Through this dance, Dad blends in with the crowd and is able to enjoy himself. It looks a little something like this:

Watch out though if they play either 1. Any Earth, Wind & Fire song or Motown for that matter, 2. Anything by Journey, Billy Joel or Jimmy Buffet, or 3. YMCA OR worst yet 4. That song Dad knows is your favorite because then you'll witness...

2. The Let Loose, I'mGoingToEmbarrassYou Dance:

Dad has apparently lost control of all his limbs. He flails about moving his arms in a constant form of inconsistent motions. Dad is jumping. That's not even jumping. Dad is skipping in place maybe? Uh-oh, Dad's limbs have returned so He could break it down in robot form. Dad wants everyone to see how smoothly he glides across the floor before the classic spin that actually only turns him 3/4 of the way around: "WATCH OUT NOW!" Dad yells giving his best James Brown impersonation. That's when Dad makes eye contact with you. Dad dance struts your direction as his head bobbles erratically to the beat. Dad's hand is held out for you to join in on the fun. "Now I can't stop dancing so you gotta join!" Dad exclaims right at the quiet part of the song. Everyone starts clapping for you to dance with Dad. There is no turning back now, you must embrace Dad for his dance moves that look like this:

Don't get me wrong, there is the occasional Dad who can dance well. But let's face it, those Dads probably spent their Sundays at a dance class with Mom.

#4 Hating your taste in music

"TURN OFF THAT NOISE!"

This phrase becomes part of a Dad's vocabulary as soon as he mistakenly introduces his kids to their first record, tape cassette, CD or mp3 (depending on your generation). Let's face it. No matter what you play, your Dad won't like it.

"You call that music? Let me tell you about music..." as you roll your eyes and he explains in excruciating detail about the first time he heard ______ (insert band name here). You'll soon learn to respect his taste in music, but he will never understand why you like the music you listen to.

He'd rather drive in silence then listen to your radio station and definitely requires that music coming from your room be only audible to those people in your room. He claims all music today is stolen from music from his day (half true). And he'll prove it to you by dusting off his old music and playing it for you, demonstrating that they share the same amount of bars and rhyme schemes. He does this through his toe tap dance, snapping fingers and bobbing head.

As the song ends, Dad has the look of "need I say more?" Don't dare try to argue with Dad when it comes to music after this point. But in the end, Dad knows he can't stop you from listening to that garbage you call music, so he caves and buys you a walkman, discman, or ipod (depending on your generation) so at least he won't have to torture his ears to the rabble.

This serves as a preview for posts to come: What is Dad Music?