Thursday, February 2, 2012

#70: Dad Strength

When we grow up, we see Dad as a superhero. He can do anything from mowing the lawn to stopping a bullet with his chest hair. Every child growing up got sucked into the same argument: My Dad can beat up your Dad. The argument would go back and forth saying the same thing over and over, expecting a certain outcome that would never get resolved. It is a lot like Congress, except it takes place on a playground. The strange thing is that the kids involved are absolutely certain their Dad can beat anyone up. Why do you ask? Two simple words: DAD STRENGTH.

Dads are mentally strong people. It is developed over years of changing dirty diapers and listening to children ranting as long as they have been alive. But more importantly, they are physically strong. Dads can and will bear hug their child to “calm them down” and will not let go until they relax. It is like being in hugged by a boa constrictor, the more you struggle the tighter it gets. Escape is not an option, little Tommy may as well be stuck in quicksand. The Dad Hug is a standard example of Dad strength and should not be toyed with. There are times where a kid thinks he can beat his Dad at sports or wrestling or anything like that. Dad usually lets them win, but beware when he unleashes the full Dad strength. You will be on the ground in seconds tapping out as Dad has your legs in a double knot. That is true Dad strength, the strength of a thousand suns, the strength of The Terminator combined with Predator, the strength of Sean Connery manhood on steroids. It cannot be stopped.

It is strange because a lot of Dads are not really big guys. They may be thin or gangly, but do not let that faze you. Every Dad upon birth of their child is bestowed upon them a single drop of blood from Hercules himself. Seriously, there is a room of Hercules blood in every hospital where they give it to new Fathers. This secret practice has been carried on since the first humanoid stood erect, laced up his White New Balances, and climbed to the top of Mount Olympus seeking guidance. There he received true hero’s blood to aid him through fatherhood. Without it, mere toddlers cannot be contained but with it a child can be grappled and calmed down through a simple hug. The legend continues on to this very day. The Legend of Dad Strength.

1 comment:

  1. I have dad strength. Also, my daughter wanted me to tell you that I can totally beat up your dad.