*Boop* omg did my crush finally text me back? Play it cool. You open your phone with dreamlike hopes and instead read the worst text message of your life:
“Hey. Your mom says hi. Call u l8r. –Dad”
“Thanks dad—why not just call me instead of texting me about it before?” you reply in disgust.
*8 minutes later*
“Because now you can expect a call from us! LOL :) :P –Dad”
Was that a joke? Does that even make sense? Why so many emoticons?
These are Dad texts. Sure, you text with everyone, but Dad texts are distinct. They are always sent when there’s no need for them. They will have be sent at inopportune times (Dad, why are you texting me Friday at 1am?). Dad will never respond to your texts when you need him too—claiming he can’t figure out “this dang phone!” You heard of butt-dialing? Dad does butt texting: gibberish lettering. They always have emoticons. They are always signed. Always.
Dad learned how to text on his new phone from the awesome sales rep at the cell phone store. That guy may as well have become your arch nemesis. Sure, Dad technically knows how to text, but the cell phone rep forgot to teach Dad texting etiquette. Texting is not your personal twitter feed, Dad. Whatever—it could be worse. Better Dad texting than writing on your Facebook wall.
“Hey. Do you know how to post videos to Facebook? Your mom and I are trying to show you a funny link. –Dad”