Thursday, July 25, 2013

#148 Injuries

Dads may be men of other worldly strength and the greatest athletes you’ve ever witnessed in person but even Dad’s get injured.

And yes, everyone gets injured. You’ve broken a bone or cut a hand when handing scissors the wrong way. But when Dads get injured, they are chronic and FOR LIFE. These injuries are minor and most people with a tolerance of pain would ignore them. NOT DAD.

These injuries are to be publicized and displayed. Banged your knee on something? KNEE BRACE. Twisted ankle? WALKING BOOT. Strained shoulder? SHOULDER SLING. Sore back? ICY HOT…because Shaq said so.

Dad uses these injuries to his advantage. They allow him to rest so he can fall asleep anywhere, watch golf all day (even the replay), and avoid giving you piggyback rides. Dad even avoids eating at the table because his back makes it so he can’t get up.

Meanwhile, you have a 102 degree fever and have to go to school…because it’s good for you.


Friday, July 19, 2013

#147: Weird Breads

**Welcome to this special Friday "I went to see Bon Jovi last night and forgot to write my post" Edition of That's So Dad**

As we wind down our long journey here at That's So Dad I find myself thinking of what I can write about that you don't already know. Yes Dads love White New Balances, yes they love embarrassing their kids, yes they love rocking the old college sweatshirt, and we have also really delved into their eating and drinking habits. I feel the Dad lifestyle is epitomized in their diet. It is what fuels the machine and a foundation (just like the outdated Food Pyramid of yesteryear) in grains is necessary. Now Dad can argue that Miller Genuine Draft and Scotch are grains, but actual breads are needed.

Dad doesn't settle for kids stuff, plain white bread with the crust cut off or that riff raff known as Wonder bread. Dad needs something serious. He needs something that is so hearty it makes lumberjacks seem like Tinkerbell and Ron Burgundy scream out "That's too much! I can't handle it!" We are talking Rye, Pumpernickel, Marble Rye, Sourdough, stuff that makes children cry. If it is has seeds or whole grains scattered all over the top and inside the bread, just waiting to get jammed in between teeth, you better believe Dad is eating it. Also bread follows the same principle of weird condiments in that if he uses a stinky, weird bread, no one will try to eat Dad's sandwich.

And his bread choice isn't limited to just sandwiches. It applies to every meal. When the waitress at the greasy spoon asks for Dad's bread choice to go with his Corned Beef Hash (Dad's #1 breakfast) it will always be the weirdest bread, like 7-grained cracked whole wheat toast or their homemade garlic sourdough. Getting a hotdog? You bet it will be on a preztel roll. BBQ? That plate is lined with Texas Toast. It never stops. Dad needs to keep a full belly or else he gets cranky.

So the next time you wake up hungover and drag yourself to the local Diner or Coney and find yourself craving a Rye so dark light cannot escape its surface do not worry. You are just turning into a Dad, even if you don't have kids.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

#146: Washing the Car

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BABY!" Dad yells. The sun is shining, summer is here and it's a beautiful day. What could Dad possibly have to yell about? That's when you notice Dad's new toy. No, not a new power tool nor weed wacker for the lawn. Rather, it is Dad's car that is never meant to be driven.

See, when Dad goes through his mid-life crisis (aka when he starts balding), Dad will often buy an impractical car. It can only be used during the summer months. And even then, it is never driven but only displayed and washed in the drive way.

Now you can only hope to borrow this car when you are 16, but Dad treats it better than he treats you so there's a slim chance of that. While you're lucky to get lunch money, Dad spends your allowance on the finest of tire cleaning soap.

Dad cleans his car in very precise ways. Rinse, lather & repeat is taken to a new level when Dad washes his car. Mr. Miyagi's "wax on, wax off" teachings are child's play compared to Dad's sponge, towel, and air dry method. At the end of the wash, Dad's car is cleaner than your mouth after a trip to the Dentist.

And how does Dad celebrate a new clean car? By carefully wheeling it into the garage. "I don't want any birds to poop on it." Some day you'll have something you treasure half as much as Dad treasures his car.


Friday, July 5, 2013

#145: Mulch

**Welcome to this Special Edition of That's So Dad, the I Was on a Boat for 4th of July and Had No Access to a Computer Edition**

"WHAT IS THAT PILE OF CRAP IN THE DRIVEWAY!?!?!?!" mom exclaims. It is an early Saturday morning: the birds are chirping, dew hangs in the air, Dads are finishing their sweaty running routes. "HONEY? DID YOU BUY ANOTHER PILE OF THAT STUFF??" mom yells out again. Oh yes he did. Sitting neatly in the middle of the driveway is a gigantic pile of mulch, situated perfectly so that no cars can get in or out of the garage and stinking up the entire property. Dad has done it again.

Mulch is the foundation of lawns and gardens, it is basically an amalgamation of wood chips, dirt, mud, mushrooms, and high grade cow manure. It is dirty, it stinks to high heaven, it is heavy, and Dad LOVES IT. Dad says it protects the soil and root systems for the garden and reduces weeds. But he really loves it because it is low maintenance, gives him something to discuss with other Dads, and allows him to putter around an entire weekend hauling dirt from one end of the lawn to the other. Of course the kids get lassoed into doing low grade manual labor by shoveling steaming piles (yes, it gets steamy) of mulch into wheelbarrows, spreading the coagulated mixture onto the dirt Ugh,  I am adding dirt to dirt! I just wanna play with my Super Soaker. and moving the pile off the driveway before mom kills someone.

When the job is done (8PM on Sunday night) the whole family is exhausted, wearing tattered/dirty clothes straight out of a picture from the Dust Bowl, and generally upset that they spent a whole weekend basically spreading animal crap all over the place. But not Dad, he is PUMPED. He cannot wait to get back at it next weekend.