Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
It’s Easter Sunday, which as a child you woke up on a scale of one to Christmas is probably around a four. There is usually church and brunch involved, but as a kid you only think about the Easter egg hunt. Combining the thrill of hide-and-seek with the rewards of Halloween, you are on a sugar fueled scavenger hunt through the house so find chocolate and Peeps. You feel as if you have combed the house and checked the usual spots, but Dad mentions that you haven’t even found half of the eggs. The Easter Bunny (aka Dad) has done it again. He has hid eggs in impossible locations that will take hours to find.
Dads love to make small occasions such as Easter egg hunts comparable to seeking the Lost City of Atlantis or the Fountain of Youth. Cramming eggs behind televisions, in flower pots, or even balancing them on the top of the living room fan; Dad is perpetually scouting new locations to hide those orbs of sweetness. Some Dads even utilize the ultimate Dad tool, duct tape, to tape eggs to the bottoms of tables or under the ottoman so that eggs can avoid detection for hours. These situations call for the classic “hot or cold” game for the children to find the remaining eggs so all can be accounted for.
Veteran Dads must keep a mental count of how many eggs are still active so that no egg is ever forgotten. In this rare situation, an Easter egg could be left in hidden until someone is rearranging the furniture in the middle of August and a hot pink plastic egg falls out from behind Grandma’s urn. Sometimes a leftover egg will be found during the next year’s search, the mark of a legendary Easter egg hider.
Someday Dad will pass on his knowledge for important Dad functions: how to grill a steak, rake the leaves, do the taxes, and other important matters. If you are lucky, he may just pass on how to scout and hide the Easter egg horde.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Being a Dad is really hard. From puttering around the house to lugging around that massive shoulder mounted video camera to record every waking moment, being a Dad puts a lot of stress on the body. The machine that is a Dad’s body requires a lot of fuel that may not be the healthiest so a Dad tends to gain and lose (mostly gain) weight during their Dad tenure. With this yo-yoing body style Dads around the world need to have a reliable instrument that allows them to wear pants of all sizes. That is where the braided leather belt steps in.
The weaved feature of these belts allows for Dad to have a belt with almost an indefinite number of holes so it always has the perfect fit. If Dad just put down a couple of beers and chili just to make mom mad, you better believe that belt is being loosened a few notches. They can be worn nearly everywhere too. Braided leather belts are formal enough for the office Christmas party and casual enough for yelling at the umpire at a Little League baseball game. They also last forever due to the multiple strands of high strength material. This creates a redundancy feature that is necessary when dealing with the strain of Dad’s belly pushing against the belt.
The Braided Leather Belt is a powerful weapon in the Dad’s arsenal. Coupled with prescription sunglasses and orthotic inserts in his white New Balances, Dad can take on anything that is thrown at him.
PS- Dads can reach legendary status if they wear braided leather suspenders. They are out there people.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Its summer time. You are floating in the cool pool water getting away from the July heat when you feel a presence. You instantly feel as if you are weightless as you twirl through the air and splash into the deep end of the pool. You look around trying to figure out what the hell happened when you find the culprit. Dad, with his prescription sunglasses and thick layer of sunscreen, is laughing hysterically in the shallow end because he succeeded in the great past time of throwing kids in the pool.
Dads often perform the sneak attack but they are also known for happily taking throwing requests at the family pool, community pool, and country club. When one Dad performs the throw, kids will line up like they are waiting for a roller coaster. Dads have many types of throws in the repertoire. There is the standard “bodyguard” throw named after Kevin Costner’s fine role in The Bodyguard where he protected a young Whitney Houston. This is performed by holding a person by the neck and under the knees and then throwing them via a swinging motion or if performed out of water, by performing the grapple and then walking into the pool. Another standard is the “under the armpits” where a Dad performs a two handed throw by launching the target into the air via grabbing them under the arms.
An extremely advanced maneuver is the “team approach” which requires the Dad and target to work together. The Dad throws the target into the air by launching the target via their foot/feet while the target extends their legs as if they are jumping. This results in an action that is a amazing as the trampoline double jump. A good working duo can perform launches that can put the target into low orbit or on the radar at the nearest airport. This must be performed under extreme caution but a Dad can reach legendary status if executed perfectly.
Do not be scared if a Dad throws you while you are in or near a pool. He is only doing what comes natural to him. So embrace the throwing because when you grow up into a Dad, you will do the same to your kids. It is the circle of life.