Wednesday, March 23, 2011

#18 Late Night Basketball Leagues

"Dad, why do you always come home late on Wednesday nights?" Dad smirks and says, "I’ll show you next Wednesday."

Your anticipation through the next week is through the roof. You figured he just always worked late but now there is an actual reason. Has he really been a secret CIA spy this entire time? Finally next Wednesday rolls around. Dad picks you up and you hit the familiar roads until you arrive. Why are we at my middle school?

You enter the gym where you learned the proper techniques of dodgeball. Only this time, you have entered a sacred zone. It is the Mecca of Dads.

All sorts of Dads are there with full on knee braces, headbands, goggles, short shorts and all. They are having a shootaround and lay up lines. That’s when Dad pulls out a basketball from his gym bag that you thought was in the trunk for decoration. “Gotta suit up.”

What you are witnessing is the safe haven for Dads. You climb the bleachers inspecting where is the perfect spot to witness this phenomenon. Dad attempts to touch his toes. That’s enough stretching. Dad takes the basketball and shoots a one-handed free throw. Swish. Is this why Dad makes 90% of his free throws? This is why he beat me in all those one on one games?

The next hour and a half is blur as you’ve witnessed the slowest paced, but exciting basketball game of your life. Straight fundamentals.

You know Dad has just taken your bond to a whole new level. Upon returning home, mom inquires “Where were you two?” “Nowhere” you and Dad answer simultaneously and instinctively.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

#17 Tucked in Shirt, No Belt

“Come on everyone, we’re going to be late! Let’s get this show on the road!” Dad yells as you stumble up the stairs. Midway up the stairwell, you look up and witness Dad’s outfit. You’ve seen it a thousand times, and each time it makes you shake your head. The tucked in shirt and no belt.

Younger guys wear belts to hold their pants up as well as making a statement about status with their belt buckle. Girls wear belts for fashion and to cover up that one stain that just won’t come out. Dad on the other hand won’t wear a belt.

What’s the point? His belly hangs out enough to hold the pants up. It’s an added barrier for when Dad has to go to the bathroom for the third time in the past hour. Belts really don’t serve a purpose for Dad. Without the belt, Dad has more mobility. He can also stick his thumbs forcefully into the belt loops.

You can accept no belt, but why must the shirt be tucked in order to reveal the lack of a belt. Dad’s no slob here. An untucked shirt is simply sloppy and unprofessional. Dad sleeps with tucked in pajamas. You really think Dad would go out in public with an untucked shirt? Just for thinking that, Dad is adding his cell phone clip holder to his pants and wearing his Bluetooth when he picks you up from school. You’re welcome.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

#16 Witty Aprons

Dad is cooking tonight. It isn't just a meal, but rather a performance. Much like Dad's breakfasts, Dad draws attention to his cooking. Nevermind that it is the same meal Dad cooked last week, as the week before (more to come on that later). But what really draws your attention is Dad's song, dance, and attire while cooking.

First of all, Dad must change into the white new balances in order to move freely from the grill/stove top to the refrigerator. Next comes his constant tasting of the meat sauce to make sure it is just right. Dad, the sloppy joe meat is just fine. Then there are the sounds that echo throughout the house after each spice or ingredient is added. I never should have introduced him to The Food Network. Lastly comes the essential piece and symbol of Dad's commitment to the kitchen: The Witty Apron.

"Kiss the Chef." Which mom so happily obliges to which you roll your eyes. "Licensed to Grill" which causes a James Bond pose after each burger flip. And of course Dad's favorite "Rule 1: The Boss is always Right. Rule 2: If the Boss is wrong, see Rule 1." Let's face it, Dad is boss when it comes to these aprons.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

#15 The Bathrobe

Its Sunday. So you can guarantee stumbling out of bed into the living room to see Dad in His Chair uncomfortably holding up the fully opened newspaper that he stole from the neighbors. "Morning Dad" you mumble out. "Well look who is finally awake..." he sings, bringing down his newspaper revealing Dad's chosen attire for the day: The Bathrobe.

The Bathrobe is the Dad's snuggie. It provides comfort and warmth to the whole body while allowing mobility. Dad is able to fully relax in it because let's face it, Dad was running around all Saturday doing errands for mom. Sunday is Dad's day. And Dad is gonna be comfortable gosh darnit! Unlike mom who simply wears the bathrobe to and from the bathroom for her shower, Dad absorbs the bathrobe as his skin for the day.

And yes, it is appropriate for Dad to wear the bathrobe in the morning. Does this mean I get one of Dad's absurdly large breakfasts??? But then 3pm rolls around and you notice Dad is still in the Bathrobe. This is Dad's day.

Dad will wear the bathrobe regardless of what he has to do today. Reading the newspaper in the bathrobe, watching the game in the bathrobe, cooking breakfast in the bathrobe, supervising you washing his car in the bathrobe, helping you shift the tables on the the bathrobe. You get the picture. That Bathrobe is not coming off today.

And because of it Dad, we wear our sweats and hoodies as our comfort clothes because we understand we don't appreciate the wonder of The Bathrobe quite yet.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

#14 Classic Dads Volume #1: Clark W. Griswold

The editors here at That’s So Dad decided early on that our mission was to explore all that is Dad. From Dad sayings and activities to Dad music, we feel that in order to understand Dad, you have to know their history. Therefore this is an introduction to the Classic Dads series, a series that will celebrate Dads known around the world for their amazingness.

To begin this landmark series the legend of the Vacation series of movies, the Dadness that is Clark W. Griswold of Chicago, Illinois will be recognized. For those who do not know, Clark W. Griswold is a Dad who leads his family on vacations to such places as Wally World, Europe, and Las Vegas as well as hosting the extended family for Christmas. He is the ultimate Dad in that he wants the best for the family but tends to go a little overboard. Such actions as causing a riot in Bavaria, holding a Wally World guard by gunpoint, crashing a bus into Wayne Newton’s mansion, and causing a city wide power outage due to his Christmas decorations he is the ultimate Dad. His kids are always embarrassed to be with him, but that never lets him down. Evidence is shown on a family trip to the Eiffel Tower in beirets with each family members name stitched into them, which draws the insults of many French people.

Clark dresses the part by wearing great plaid ensembles, pleated jeans, and of course the white tennis shoes we can all assume are New Balances because Clark knows how a Dad should roll. He also shows no shame in trying to look cool in the Wagon Queen Family Truckster while hauling his family across the country because “getting there is half the fun”. He always tells his children they are growing up too fast while they roll their eyes and tries to be romantic with his wife no matter how awkward it is. And for these actions Clark W. Griswold, we at That’s So Dad salute you. Your valor in the field of Dadness is above and beyond the call of duty and we thank you for being an example to Dads worldwide.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

#13 Making a Point of Not Wearing a Watch on Vacation

What a relaxing vacation. Thank God mom and Dad got you your own room. You stumble out of bed and cross to your parents room through the shared doors and mumble out "what time is it?" Dad answers emphatically: "I DON'T KNOW! I'M ON VACATION!" pointing to the skin diseased area on his watch while smirking giddily. Then you realize that is Dad's watch tan line:

This is Dad's vacation. This is His time. And because of that, Dad doesn't want to keep track, monitor, or even know what time it is. And Dad makes a point about it. Dad spends his days, unfortunately, living by the clock eagerly waiting for his lunch hour or making sure He isn't late for the Parent Teacher conference meeting so He can hear how you're an "promising student who seems to lack motivation."

After Dad lays out his detailed activity itinerary for this vacation day, usually a dialogue as such follows:
"Can I go to the pool with the kids from down the hall though?"
"Sure, if it's okay with your mother" Dad knows not to doublecross her.
"Thanks Dad, what time should I be back for dinner?"
"HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I DON'T HAVE MY WATCH. I'M ON VACATION!" You walked into that one. Dad still expects you to be on time, however.

Even though Dad takes his watch off, He is still punctual as ever. And packing isn't the official sign that the vacation is over. Rather, it's Dad putting his watch back on. So as long as you see the watch tan line, party on.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

#12 The Dance

Now Dad likes his music. And He isn't afraid to tell you about it. Furthermore, Dad isn't afraid to dance to it. Dads have two types of dances.

1. The Conservative Dance:
Dad dances with his arms at his sides. They alternate and raise only to shoulder length at random times culminating with an off-beat snap or clap. Dad's hips sway back and forth in abrupt movements because He saw Ricky Martin do it on TV. Dad taps his toes surprisingly on beat, bending his knees in order to display different heights and levels to his routine. Through this dance, Dad blends in with the crowd and is able to enjoy himself. It looks a little something like this:
Watch out though if they play either 1. Any Earth, Wind & Fire song or Motown for that matter, 2. Anything by Journey, Billy Joel or Jimmy Buffet, or 3. YMCA OR worst yet 4. That song Dad knows is your favorite because then you'll witness...

2. The Let Loose, I'mGoingToEmbarrassYou Dance:
Dad has apparently lost control of all his limbs. He flails about moving his arms in a constant form of inconsistent motions. Dad is jumping. That's not even jumping. Dad is skipping in place maybe? Uh-oh, Dad's limbs have returned so He could break it down in robot form. Dad wants everyone to see how smoothly he glides across the floor before the classic spin that actually only turns him 3/4 of the way around: "WATCH OUT NOW!" Dad yells giving his best James Brown impersonation. That's when Dad makes eye contact with you. Dad dance struts your direction as his head bobbles erratically to the beat. Dad's hand is held out for you to join in on the fun. "Now I can't stop dancing so you gotta join!" Dad exclaims right at the quiet part of the song. Everyone starts clapping for you to dance with Dad. There is no turning back now, you must embrace Dad for his dance moves that look like this:

Don't get me wrong, there is the occasional Dad who can dance well. But let's face it, those Dads probably spent their Sundays at a dance class with Mom.