#84: Driving

                   

We’ve already covered Dad’s magical ability to park anywhere but what we didn’t say is that is because driving is Dad’s responsibility. The car and the road belong to Dad. That isn’t to say that women nor mom can’t drive. But when you’re in the car and mom’s driving while Dad sits passenger seat, it feels rather eerie. Something is off.

The car is one of Dad’s many sanctuaries. As our classic Dad Phil Dunphy said, what do we call the car? “Dad’s cone of trust.” What happens in the car is forever in Dad’s control. Dad will often use this time to reminisce of other road trips, his first car “oh that baby could drive for days…just with no A/C.” He’ll make family announcements on road trips, pretending to be the conductor of a train or pilot of plane, using the radio buttons as an intercom to the backseat “psh—this is your captain speaking, we are approximately 5.5 miles away from the next bathroom break. Please hold your bladders and keep all arms and legs inside the car until then. We appreciate your cooperation. Thank you—psh.” 

Even though you wish to never be seen driven to school by Dad, you feel a sense of security and comfort while Dad is at the wheel. Even when you’re definitely lost, you know Dad will give the dashboard a love tap, pretend to find the northern star and get you on the right road.

And when Dad’s not making announcements nor getting you lost, he is blasting his music. Forget your bubble gum trash music that the radio plays, Dad will play REAL music. And as Jimmy Buffet, classic MoTown, and Jazz (who owns Jazz cds?) blast from the all of a sudden surround sound speakers, Dad will gyrate the car to the beat. The car has better dance moves than Dad does. But then Dad will suddenly cut the music off. Silence fills the air… “Hear that tink?” Dad will only turn the music off so he can hear the engine. “Listen to the purr...” Dad pronounces as if he knows it’s a life lesson he is about to impart. “Your engine is the soul of the car.” Okay Dad… Then Dad will turn the music back on and continue driving to your destination that is still yet to be determined.

So as you embark on your next driving journey, do remember to keep your hands at 10 and 2 while channeling your inner Dad. You’ll arrive at the destination safe and sound.