#96: Classic Dad: Mr. Winslow

Carl Otis Winslow of the great sitcom Family Matters defined the working Dad, having to balance the life threatening work of being a cop while also raising three kids in Chicago. Yes, we all know that the star of the show became Urkel with his catch phrase of “Did I do that?” and tons of crazy hijinx. But those would never been nearly as effective if it weren’t for Carl Winslow’s constant berating and increasing anger against Urkel.

Mr. Winslow had to protect Laura from the craziness of Urkel, using intimidation tactics and often yelling as Dads are known to do. Much like Dads as well, Mr. Winslow isn’t worried about his figure as he gorges down donuts (I mean, he is a cop), and enjoys Harriette’s cooking. Just don’t comment on it like Urkel does by constantly calling him “Big Guy.” And although most of the time, Mr. Winslow is having to repair damages Urkel has caused, in classic Dad fashion he eventually develops a fondness for Urkel.

The ultimate compliment to Mr. Winslow is how we still remember him today. Much like many of our other classic Dads, Mr. Winslow still brings nostalgia when discussing TGIF or is used in pop culture references like Kanye West declaring “you got too many Urkels on your team, that’s why your wins low.” (Okay that was a stretch but I had to do it). We salute you Mr. Winslow as we hope we are Dad-like as you when we are dealing with the pesky neighbor who just won’t leave. 

                    

#95: The Golf Polo

As all four of our loyal readers know it is the clothes that make the Dad. From the White New Balance Shoes to the Braided Belt to the Sweater Vest, Dads have pretty standard uniforms so they can easily pick out other Dads in crowded places. Well today we have another one of those gold standards in the Dad wardrobe, something actually all men own but takes on a new loftiness when one becomes a Dad. The Golf Polo.

Much like the sweater vest, the golf polo can be worn on almost any occasion. Weddings? You bet. Funerals? Sure why not. Little Timmy's kindergarten graduation? As long as the collar doesn't curl under the Shoulder Mounted Video Camera then rock on Dad. It can be worn any season and anywhere. From a hot summer day at Six Flags to a freezing night at the bowling alley on League Night the golf polo is the social chameleon of Dad attire.

Of course, not all Dad's play golf although like 99% do. You bet that that 1% of Dads still own at least five golf polos that feature logos from golf courses, Disney World, their current company, their son's AYSO soccer team, and that one 5K he volunteered at because mom made him. The golf polo is also a standard feature for Dads at sporting events because a real Dad doesn't wear a jersey to an NFL game, he wears the golf polo with the team logo. It is a great way for Dad to show team spirit and preserve Dadness while screaming at the referee from the upper deck.

One lesson I can give young men going through life is to never turn down a new golf polo. You never know when you are going to need it, because every clothing dilemma can be solved with this basic garment. Except of course for a black tie event, that calls for a Tuxedo T-Shirt. Classy, yet casual.

#94: Telling the same story over...and over...

 Ahh what a great meal you think to yourself as the digesting begins. Mom is smiling because you actually cleared your plate. But really, you just gave your leftovers to the trash disposal that is Dad. Dad looks satisfied himself too as he finishes off his third plate.

“Did I ever tell you about the time I…” Dad begins. That’s all you need to hear to start zoning out. Dad is about to begin the story you’ve all heard for thousandth time.  Dads are great story tellers and love sharing stories with family, friends, and even strangers. But the thing is, Dads have about 5 stories they re-tell.

Dad shares stories on five different categories: past sports experiences (whether his own or a game he witnessed), meeting mom “You shoulda seen her…”, college days “Those were the best years of my life…”, tales about grandma & grandpa “Well I know MY parents would have…”, and of course the embarrassing ones about you “you were so funny that one time…”. (The wildcard theme is about his first car).

Whether it is over Thanksgiving dinner, passing time in the car, or interrupting your TV watching, Dad will find the time to tell that story. And you’ll sit there and nod. Even though your mind drifts, you’ll always come back right before the punchline of the story. And the funny part is…it always makes you laugh. And that is why Dad will keep telling that story at every Christmas and Birthday party. 

                                   

#93: The Bike Wagon

Summer is in full swing as everyone can tell by the sweltering heat and non-stop Facebook newsfeed updates of albums titled S*u*M*m*E*rrrrrr 2012!!!. Dads around the country are partaking in Dad activities which bring the family together. Whether it is a day at the pool, a baseball game, a trip to Six Flags, or the good ole fashioned road trip, Dad always has something up his sleeve. One of the simplest tactics Dad uses to enjoy some family bonding is the family bike ride, which for children seems like a death march through heat and bugs when there is a perfectly cold living room with a 600 channel TV a mere two miles away. But what does Dad do when the kids are too young to pedal to the zoo and back? He uses the ultimate Dad accessory: The Bike Wagon.

I am not too sure what the Bike Wagon is actually called and I am frankly too lazy to Google it because I am on a roll right now. For those who don’t know, the Bike Wagon is a two wheeled covered seat for two kids that attaches like a trailer to the back of Dad’s bike. Side note, Dad’s bike is almost always a really old “racing bike” where the handlebars curve downwards for aerodynamics Dad never uses. It is always a bike that was top of the line during the Cold War. The wagon gives kids an effortless trip to the ice cream store while Dad sweats through every inch of clothing working literally like a rented mule. Dad likes it because it gives him an extra edge to his “workout” but when he is barely moving the pedals in the lowest gear and still has five miles to the parking lot he realizes how much those toddlers really weigh. No wonder every Dad has “Dad Strength”, they train when we aren’t aware so they can be in peak physical condition.

The mark of a true Dad in the summer can be shown with the Bike Wagon. No one drags a wagon around just for fun, and you can bet the older son or mom won’t be pulling around the little kiddos. As the caravan moves on, Dad is always bringing up the rear with the wagon in tow. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pass out on the bike trail from exhaustion. He deserves a cold beer after the voyage is complete.

#92: Bowling

You’re turning 8 years old. Where else would you want to have your birthday party aside from the local bowling alley? Not only do you get to wear the slick shoes that let you moonwalk like Michael Jackson, but you also get your own bowling pin after devouring cake in the private VIP party room.

“I’m gonna have my next ten birthday parties here so I can have a full set!” You declare after receiving the ceremonial birthday bowling pin. Aside from the fact that it’d be hilarious to see an 18 year old having their birthday at a bowling alley, you soon learn that the birthday party at the bowling alley isn’t about you…it’s about Dad improving his bowling game.

When Dad isn’t spending Wednesday nights at the local middle school for Dads basketball league, he is shining up his personalized bowling ball for Thursday league nights. “I need to get my average score up!” The score of 198 is no good in Dad’s eyes. He needs to break 200 consistently.

Even though Dad puts more spin on a bowling ball than you can generate on the tire swing, Dad is never satisfied. His wrists may cramp and legs get heavy, but it’s all worth it when he gets to hoist that trophy above his bowling shirt. I wonder if Dad’s spin will translate to Wii bowling? Hint: It Does.

Much like playing Golf, Bowling is an escape for Dad. It is competitive but also allows him to drink a few beers. It is a sanctuary for Dads, and gun to head they’ll join a couples league to allow mom to join as well. So while you work on improving your game so you don’t have to use bumpers, Dad is working on how to get that third strike so he can yell “TURKEY!” For you Dad, we will hold our 18^th birthday at the bowling alley so you can practice at home while needed. 

#91: The Fanny Pack

Now that summer is in full swing and the kids are out of school, families around the country will be taking trips all over the place. From New York and Chicago to those poor planning parents who thought Disney World in August was a great idea it will be quite a battle. The main concern for any Dad on these trips is that he needs to bring the essentials but also extra materials for Dadness. Extra film, sunscreen, clip on lenses for his glasses, extra thick white socks for his sweaty feet it all needs to go somewhere. The problem is Dad has a limited amount of pockets and a backpack hurts the ole bulging disk from high school football. The solution: FANNY PACK.

Fanny packs are frowned upon by society because they are considered outdated and corny. Dads don’t care because it is functional, easy on the body to carry, and to them it looks just plain cool. His kids of course are embarrassed when Dad wears the fanny pack, but as we all know that is one of Dad’s primary motives in life: embarrassment. 

When Dad digs around in his fanny pack, it is revealed to be an infinitely deep recess of storage much like Hermione Granger’s magical bag from Harry potter. Dad can go elbow deep into the thing and in one swoop pull out the parking stub to the car as well as the half melted Snickers bar he hid from mom because he is “on a diet”. The fanny pack is a magical item in its own right.

So when you see a family that is not from town (believe me they are easy to spot) be sure to look for Dad’s fanny pack. As the strong paternal unit he is often saddled with being the packmule of the trip. Any experienced Dad worth his salt knows that stowage is a premium and the virtues of wearing a fanny pack are as necessary as gravity. Such is the life of a Dad on a family trip.

#90: Classic Dad: Homer Simpson

In Honor of Father’s Day happening Saturday, we want to wish all the Dad’s out there a Happy Father’s Day. With that said, we thought it was appropriate to honor another Classic Dad that I feel partly raised me: Homer Simpson.

Homer has been fathering Bart, Lisa and Maggie as well as most of America, if not the world, since 1989. He is a Dad in every sense of the word: wears the same clothes, rocks the facial hair that stays even when shaven, and embarrasses his kids at every possible moment—whether intentionally or not.

Homer speaks his mind and even coined the phrase “D’oh.” Most Dads attempt to speak slang while Homer creates it. Definitely a Cool Dad. And with his blue-collar nature of drinking and eating donuts and pork chops, every Dad aspires to be him. Homer is definitely worthy of the Father of the Year award he won in 2008. 

When Homer isn’t scarfing down food or doing the bare minimum at his job, he is offering Dad advice to Bart and Lisa that is wise beyond their years. Some of his gems have included

“Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.”
or
“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

It is through this wisdom that not only Bart and Lisa learn, but we all learn how to approach things in life.

Lastly, Homer has participated in many rites of passage as a Dad: from doing a recreational softball league (with the likes of Ken Griffey Jr and Jose Canseco), coaching little league, and using power tools to fix things. But the thing we love most about Homer as we love in all our Dads is that they never stop caring and trying to impress us. 

So Happy Father’s Day to Homer and to all the Dads out there. We wish you a Sunday of beers, comfortable walking shoes, and watching the US Open from the couch.