Wednesday, September 14, 2011

#50: Intimidating the Boyfriend

**Since the editors here at TSD are of the male persuasion (as you probably guessed) this post will be written from the male perspective**

Tommy knows what is on the other side of that door. Obviously there is Sarah, his lab partner from science class, who he is taking on a date tonight. But there is something infinitely scarier than the first date with a cute girl. It is her Dad answering the door and waiting with him while his daughter gets ready for the movie. Dad opens the door and he looks like a mountain of a man, he has to be at least seven feet tall. He is either scowling at Tommy or grinning with anticipation of what is to come. “So you’re here to take out my little princess!”

Tommy is ushered into the family room and awkwardly sits in the first chair he sees, but the Dad bellows “THAT IS MY CHAIR”. He has established his utter dominance over Tommy as the next twelve minutes of Tommy’s life stretch into an eternity. It has begun.

Dads love to make boys very uncomfortable before dates and it is because right off the bat Dad knows what this kid is up to. Little Tommy wants to get his precious daughter drunk/pregnant/high/all of the above. Even if Tommy is the second coming of Jesus himself, Dad will always assume the worst and prepare for it accordingly. Common tactics include staring Tommy down and not saying a word, slugging down a fifth of Jack Daniels and talking about how he would not mind going back to prison, or extensively maintaining his knife collection in full eyesight of Tommy. These are very effective methods but Dads everywhere know that anything they do will intimidate the hell out of Tommy.

When Sarah finally comes down the stairs, Tommy is so relieved to get out of the house that he almost shoots out of his seat. Dad of course tells him to have his daughter back by 9:30 or there will be hell to pay. If Tommy thinks he can sneak her back later he is sorely mistaken. Dad’s parting words are sure to ring in Tommy’s ears all night, “I am probably going to be up all night so I will see you when you get Sarah home. It will probably take all night to clean my shotguns.” Even if Dad does not own a gun, Dad knows he can always use a good Rodney Atkins song to scare the hell out of anyone who wants to take his Daughter on a date. It is a Dad’s instinct to protect his daughter, and they love using intimidation on some poor kid because it happened to them many years ago. It is the circle of life.

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