#110 Trick-Or-Treat Escort

“Daaaad! Hurry up—before all the good candy is gone!” you yell while impatiently waiting at the front door in your costume. It’s brilliant but somehow was snubbed for best costume in the class contest this afternoon. Dad emerges sporting either an oversized bow tie or a clown nose that you chose out. Dad sets out for his Halloween role: trick-or-treat escort.

While you run house to house with the biggest pillow case you could find (*real trick or treaters used pillow cases, if you used a bucket I feel bad for you*), Dad examines the neighborhood with his keen Dad eye. “Check out those decorations!” Dad says while you lose count of how many Butterfingers you got from the last house. Dad is all about looking at decorations and admiring pumpkin carvings. Dad knows other Dads put hard work into them and as so they should be admired.

After each house, after you say your “thank yous,” Dad does the responsible thing and tests your candy. “Dad! Stop eating all my candy!” “Didn’t the police officers come to school? I have to check if it’s poisonous!” as he inhales the 5 mini-snickers you just worked so hard to get.

When the night is winding down (aka when you are crashing from your sugar high), it is time to head home to count your earnings. Dad comes over: “time to pay the trick-or-treat tax.” You smugly look at him and come up with a great idea: “Okay—just one handful.” Much how Dad forced you to only use one handful at each house, you assume this is a great rule to enforce back to him. Mistake.

One handful is a lot bigger when Dad takes it. His hands make Paul Bunyan’s seem like a Smurf’s. How did Dad just get half my candy with just one hand? “Now don’t eat it all or you’ll get a stomach ache” advises Dad as he leaves to finally rest from the day. Trick or treating may be hard work, but it’s even harder for Dad to supervise you doing it. 

                   

#109: Being Good at Random Games

It is a glorious day. Dad is taking everyone bowling. You get to eat pizza, throw heavy balls down a greased lane, play arcade games, wear funny shoes, and make up funny names for the bowling screen. What?! Who took Poo and Ass already? Of course, no one in the group is good at bowling and elation insues when one cracks triple digits...except Dad. Dad for some reason knows how to spin the ball, fire it straight down the lane, pick up spares, pick up the 7-10 split, everything. As he picks up his 3rd turkey of the day you can't help but wonder how he does it...because he is a Dad.

Dads have been around, seen it all, and picked up skills along the way. Remember, he went to college before video games and cable so when he got drunk they played games to pass the time. Bowling, poker, darts, billiards, skee ball, croquet, kick the can, lawn darts, bocce, and many others were at their disposal. And no they didn't do it on Wii Sports, this was real life ladies and gents. Dad is a seasoned veteran and if he can do it as a drunk college boy, you bet your butt he can do it as a mildly inebriated Dad with a moustache and a braided leather belt. Don't worry he will teach you the tricks of the trade in due time.

True Story, my circle of friends in middle/high school were all taught to bowl the same way (stare at the alley arrow where you want the ball to roll, it is an easy aiming tool). How did we all learn the same way? By a friend's Dad who took us bowling. You all know who you are...

So don't worry if Dad sends you in croquet or dominates you in bocce by getting his stones right on top of the target ball. It is all a learning process. Like the time Dad skunked you in Cricket or sunk the 8 ball before you had a chance to sink one ball. It's okay, you can still destroy him in Goldeneye 64.

#108 Tube Socks

These socks are HUGE. Who even wears these? Dad walks by wearing socks with his sandals and you realize the answer to your question. Dads single handedly keep Hanes in business with their purchase of tube socks. Socks are uncomfortable as is, with the ability to keep sweat in your feet and produce odor for all to smell how long you’ve been walking all day. Dads prefer to show off that smell with complimentary two stripes along the top of their socks.

The tube sock is meant for working out (why would I want longer socks to work out in), but instead it has become a fashion necessity for Dads. The tube sock will go great with Dad’s sweater vests and it keeps his feet in fresh form. Tube socks are the epitome of the ultimate Dad motto: practicality. It doesn’t matter how something looks as long as it has a function.

The best part of Tube Socks for Dad is the tan line they leave. Dad’s legs hardly see daylight because of his business slacks and Dad jeans on the weekends. But on occasion when shorts present themselves, Dad makes sure not to expose his legs to UV rays by wearing Tube Socks. Those ankles are quite fragile and need to stay protected and warm.

So next time you see the college girls wearing high socks to match their head bands, keep in mind that they probably stole those fashion items from Dad. 

                              

#107: Pictures in His Wallet

As we have highlighted many many times on this site, there are tons of ways Dads can tell who else is a Dad. Whether it is the sweater vest, the huge prescription glasses or thick bushy moustache (if it's the 80s), Dads just know who is one of them. Now when Dads meet they need to do a symbolic exchange to prove their Dadness. That is when the wallet picture comes in handy.

Everyone always hated school picture day. It was always the day you had to wear a collar or a stupid tie to school and everyone made fun of you, even though they were all wearing dorky clothes too. But there is a reason for photo day besides mom being able to update your picture along the main stairway at home. It is so Dad can stuff his picture into his already gigantic wallet (probably doesn't take out the old one, increasing the wallet thickness) to whip out whenever he talks about you. So as he talks to his co-workers or new Dad friend about kids he will casually open up his wallet and the slide show begins.

There are two schools of thought on wallet pictures. The sane way would be to have a recent picture of all the kids and one family photo folded into a pocket of the wallet. But the usual Dad way is to have one of those plastic Jacob's Ladder things that contains a story of his kid's life. The one that unleashes a cascade of pictures that drag down to Dad's White New Balances. That way Dad can glow and gush about your tee ball game from ten years ago to the Starbucks cashier. Because we all know once you hit college, those pictures aren't going to change. It will be the same ones for years.

So try not to act too embarrassed when Dad whips out the wallet pictures. He just wants to show off his kids to the hostess, gushing about his Dadness. As we always say here at TSD, when you become a Dad you will do it too.

#106: Telling You What He'd Do...

Did you watch the presidential debate last night? Chances are that Dad did. And while you remained confused as to what was actually being said, Dad was being stating what he would do:

“If I were president, I would be doing such a better job!” No matter if Dad likes or dislikes the current president, He guarantees he would do a better job. But in true political fashion, Dad doesn’t say what he would do. But that doesn’t prevent Dad from sharing his opinion. 

Much like a Monday morning quarterback, Dad appears wisest when sharing what he’d do in hindsight. “Well what I would’ve done…” “If I had been in your position…” are muttered over black coffee & bran cereal. It is this very Dad nature that makes us turn to Dad for advice. It is the reason his dinner time questions and idioms blow our minds and clarify life lessons without saying anything at all.

Dad doesn’t reserve telling you what he’d do for when you ask, rather he’ll impose his way of thinking before you even realize it. Dad is the coach you never asked for, making Dear Abbey useless. “I’d doubleknot those shoes if I were you.” ”I would’ve stretched more…” “I’d give your mother a kiss if I were you.” “I’d apologize to your teacher if I were you.” Guess what Dad? You’re not me. But always take Dad’s suggestions to heart before dismissing it, because Dad often has a point--He's already done it once when He was your age.

#105 Classic Dad: Hank Hill

Henry Rutherford "Hank" Hill is about as traditional as a Dad can get. Hailing from Arlen, TX Hank spends his time either at Strickland Propane where he sells propane and propane accessories or drinking Alamo beer with his friends in his driveway. Like any true Texan, his hero and idol is Tom Landry and his favorite musician is Willy Nelson. He seems like any normal, reserved, conservative Dad. And that is what makes him great.

Hank, although often confused by his son Bobby's "odd" interests (baking, cheerleading, theater), often fakes interests to support him. Most of the time he has no idea what is going on with his son, but still supports it. He hates his son's music like any true Dad and believes a well manicured lawn is a measure of one's Manliness. He never lets a mechanic touch his truck, since he thinks he can repair it better (which is usually not true).

I list these things because Hank is not just a Dad, he is THE Dad. Everything he does is Dad to the core. From his naive approach to new fads like skinny jeans and dub step to his deep love for steak to his basic worship of football, everything he does is true Dad. I could tell a funny story about Hank or an insight into his life that molded his personality. But when I thought of Hank Hill for this post I only thought of one thing. How he is the true hardcore Dad. Nothing more, nothing less.

Congratulations Hank on joining the annals of Dad fame.

#104: Answering Questions with a Question

Dads are all-knowing beings. They can drop knowledge and key facts at random requests. You’re convinced that Dad could dominate Jeopardy. But in true Dad fashion, he doesn’t abuse the knowledge he knows. Rather, Dad is as mysterious in sharing his knowledge as he is to how he attained it.

“Dad, what should I do for this problem?”
“How do YOU think you should do it?”

Dads will answer all questions with a question. Whether Dad is helping you with homework, asking for a full report at dinner, or just sharing some of his Dad-isms, you can guarantee that Dad will be responding with questions. Much like Ron Swanson hates answering questions, Dad will also make you think about what you’re asking rather than give you the answer. “If I just gave you the answer, you’d never learn.” If I hadn’t thought about it already, I wouldn’t be asking you!

Just so you know, this type of Dad questioning answering doesn’t end when you grow up, but rather it intensifies. “Dad, what should I do with my 401K?” “What do you want to do with your 401k?” That’s when you realize Dad was probably awesome when a Queen was drawn during Kings Cup. So best of luck in getting a straight answer from Dad, but somewhere in his rebuttal lies the best advice you've ever gotten.