Thursday, August 18, 2011

#46: Project Clothes

If there is one thing we know from childhood is that Dad loves doing projects around the house. His weekends are not wasted sitting on the couch, they are spent puttering around the yard doing things that “have to be done” like pulling weeds or fixing the garbage disposal. This requires the proper mindset, but most importantly it requires the proper attire. Dad has to be wearing his Project Clothes when he does weekend projects.

Project Clothes contain a wide range of apparel. There are a few staples to every Dad’s wardrobe that are a necessity. First, every Dad must have a pair of painting pants. Ratty jeans covered with layers of smudges and paint stains that are not appropriate for any situation except when he gets into his Michelangelo mode. Reeking with the musk of paint thinner, Dad will stink up the house wearing these painting pants because you know they have never been washed. That would make the marks of paint pride fade away, and Dad would never allow that.

Another important item for Dad is gardening shorts. These can be made from a wide variety of materials such as mesh, khaki, cotton (a Dad favorite because they are flexible), or in Southern states denim is a common choice. The most necessary feature for gardening shorts is the elastic waistband. With Dad stooping, crouching, and bending over plants it is extremely important that the shorts are comfortable. Buttons on the waistband hurt against Dad’s beer belly and that pain will keep him from trying to look like he knows how to garden. The shorts also need to be a darker color to hide Dad’s enormous sweat stain as he labors. Although you can tell Dad is sweating like a pig in the August heat, you really do not want to know the extent of the perspiration. It will haunt your dreams.

The headwear is very important for the Dad working outdoors. A common hat is the snapback baseball cap that is labeled with Dad’s alma mater. This hat is so weathered and damaged that it should be incinerated, but Dad will never allow it. Another type of hat is the obnoxious straw or Panama hat which has a brim wide enough to use as an umbrella for the patio. It blocks all chance of the sun hitting Dad in a four foot radius and makes him look like an old woman at the same time. It usually features a chinstrap of some sort because the slightest gust of wind would cause the hat to unfurl its wing like brim and float into Canada. An added bonus for Dad is that this hat embarrasses you when he wears it in public, a feeling all Dads try to press upon their children at all times.

So remember that even though Dad has no idea how plumbing works or that he probably is not qualified to handle that 200 horsepower chainsaw, he does know how to dress for maximum performance. But most importantly he knows how to look damn good while he tackles his to-do list.

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