Saturday, March 16, 2013

#129: The Hardware Store

The hardware store is Dad's equivalent of Chuck E Cheese, Disneyworld, and Willy Wonka's Factory combined. An endless wonderland of hammers, rivet guns, and most importantly: MULCH. If Dad had it his way, the entire world would be covered in that glorious manure and woodchip mixture. As a kid though, there is not a more boring place than the hardware store. It is filled with stuff that you can't touch because it's really expensive and you will break it. Also most of the stuff a kid sees he does not have a damn clue what it does. A hardware store is filled with the cacophony of kid's questions. Dad, what's this?? Socket wrench. This? Hose clamp. Oh, and this? A reciprocating saw. Now stop asking questions Daddy is trying to figure out how he can buy this pneumatic hammer without making mommy mad. So the kid sits there in silence staring at tools that might as well have come off a UFO ship they are so strange. Dad usually does not even know what they do, he only knows that he WANTS them.

Dad's trip to the hardware store is not a short affair. Like mom going to the mall to exchange some jeans, its an all day journey rivaling Frodo's walk to Mordor or Forest Gump's little jog across the USA. He may go just to get some nails or a key cut, but before you know it he is weighing options on whether he wants to fix the roof, asphalt the driveway, or do a full bathroom makeover. It's quite an ordeal and you are stuck in purgatory, nay call it Child Hell, until you escape the clutches of Home Depot.

So stay strong young child, Dad may be there all day but at least it will keep him in full puttering mode while in the store and while he tries to fix that damn leaky sink. The only help he needs is calling the plumber when he floods the entire 2nd floor of the house.

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