#128 Directions & Instructions

When it comes to asking directions, men don’t do it. This is also true for Dads. Now when it comes to following directions, Dads still don’t do it.

Now this holds true in different aspects. In driving, it is clear that Dad won’t ask nor follow directions. Dads may have a GPS in their fancy new car. But he’d be damned if he used it (secret: he doesn’t know how). Instead, Dad creates short cuts to places you didn’t know cars could pass through. He’ll take the “scenic route” in order to take kids somewhere that is good for them. And when mom finally busts out the map or asks the gas station attendant how to get somewhere, Dad still refuses to take that way. “If I didn’t know how to get there, I would’ve asked myself.” Directions say turn left, Dad stays straight. Are we there yet? 

Now this also holds true in following directions and instructions for setting up items. When Dad isn’t falling asleep at IKEA or public places, he is back at home putting things together. The new TV at Best Buy that comes with free installation? Not needed because Dad can wire electronics easily. Psssst Dad most TV’s are now wireless. What ensues is Dad claiming the instructions were only sent in a foreign language, but he can put it together. Instead Dad starts speaking in a foreign language consisting of @&$(#* characters while putting your brand new desk together. He busts out power tools and channels his strength in his bad back to create a desk “worthy of a king.” And since it took him 5 hours to construct the desk, he has to wait until next week to install the TV.

 So when it comes to directions, they just aren’t necessary. “Assembly required” might make you cringe, but Dad sees it simply as a challenge. Challenge accepted. 

#35: Guesstimated Time of Arrivals

“WE’VE BEEN TRAVELING FOREVER.” You stammer while pouting, rolling your eyes and shaking all limbs while holding in your bladder. “CMON DAD! I’VE HAD TO PEE FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR! ARE WE THERE YET?” As soon as you say it, you know the answer: “We’re almost there” Dad instinctively quips back.

This is Dad’s go to answer when it comes to time measurement. Dad may not ask for directions or read maps, but trust him, you are almost there. No matter what, the destination is “just around the corner” or “only a block away.” Dad knows this answer holds you over for at least another 15 minutes. And by the next time you ask, Dad gives the same response. Okay…maybe it actually is a block away now.

Dad does these quick and short term answers not only to ease your urgent bladder needs or impatient self, I can only play squishsquashapplesauce in the backseat for so long. But Dad also gives these answers to ease his mind because if you’re always almost there, you can’t be lost.

Whether on foot or in the car on the family roadtrip, Dad can guesstimate how much longer until the next bathroom break, rest area, or final destination by analyzing the horizon. And don’t worry, you’ll be able to stop playing the license plate game soon because you’ll be there shortly.