#132 College Tours

 

It is spring break for most people, which means college campuses are being bombarded by prospective high schoolers. As you try to look cool in your varsity jackets and color rubber-banded braces, Dad is pestering the tour guide about every nuanced detail of the college. See when Dad isn’t interrogating you at the dinner table as if it were a job interview, he’s asking those questions to someone else. And what better time that on a college tour, something that will define your future for the rest of your life.

“Can you tell us about the student faculty ratio?”
“What do most people major in? Is there a specialty? How often do kids switch their major?”
“What is the retention rate? What is the graduation rate? What is the international student percentage rate?”
How many questions can you ask using rate?

While you’re concerned if Greek life exists, (and if so, does it haze?), Dad needs to know the ins and outs of the school. Dad claims this is about your future, but in reality it’s about the investment he’s making with his bank account. With all the questions Dad is asking, he is mainly trying to get the answer to” “Can my kid go here and not become a screw up?”

So while you claim that the school is your top choice because it “felt” right, Dad is making sure that you’ll have a great experience at it. Yes, education is important, but Dad wants to be able to compare his college stories with yours. And compare old college sweaters. 

#112 Packing & Moving

Moving: The biggest pain for any person. As a child it means leaving all your friends (even if you’re moving 2 blocks away—it ruins the memorized 8 minute bike ride to your best friends’ house). When going to college, it means packing away your life into compact bags and boxes, making life decisions on whether to bring ALL your hooded sweatshirts or make room for your stylish pajama pants. And post-college it means sweating through a hangover by moving broken furniture that should be on the corner with a “For Free” sign. But never free, any time you have to move or pack, Dad is there to answer the call.

Dad’s have an uncanny ability to make anything fit in a suitcase, box, trunk or drawer. “There, the bag is full” you state as you wipe off the sweat. “Not quite,” as Dad goes in for good measurement, simply rolling up your tshirts, shifting a few trinkets and he magically has made your three favorite jerseys fit for the move.

And when Dad isn’t making everything fit into your moving boxes, he is busy throwing out his back by lifting your non-flat screen TV. Dad will move all furniture in an inefficient effective manner. That spiral staircase? Yeah Dad is moving your dresser down that. Your tempurpedic mattress? Yeah, Dad will be dragging that to the U-haul.

When the truck is finally packed with boxes, lamps and bed frames, Dad takes over his duty as transporter. Jason Statham couldn’t drive a U-haul better than Dad. No mirrors? No problem—Dad will weave in and out of alleys, six corner intersections and under trees as if he has driven that automobile his whole life. 

And when everything is finally moved, Dad will give you the slight nod of “you owe me.” And while Dad will complain about “the time he helped you move” for the next five Christmas’, you know that Dad secretly lives for it.