#129: The Hardware Store

The hardware store is Dad's equivalent of Chuck E Cheese, Disneyworld, and Willy Wonka's Factory combined. An endless wonderland of hammers, rivet guns, and most importantly: MULCH. If Dad had it his way, the entire world would be covered in that glorious manure and woodchip mixture. As a kid though, there is not a more boring place than the hardware store. It is filled with stuff that you can't touch because it's really expensive and you will break it. Also most of the stuff a kid sees he does not have a damn clue what it does. A hardware store is filled with the cacophony of kid's questions. Dad, what's this?? Socket wrench. This? Hose clamp. Oh, and this? A reciprocating saw. Now stop asking questions Daddy is trying to figure out how he can buy this pneumatic hammer without making mommy mad. So the kid sits there in silence staring at tools that might as well have come off a UFO ship they are so strange. Dad usually does not even know what they do, he only knows that he WANTS them.

Dad's trip to the hardware store is not a short affair. Like mom going to the mall to exchange some jeans, its an all day journey rivaling Frodo's walk to Mordor or Forest Gump's little jog across the USA. He may go just to get some nails or a key cut, but before you know it he is weighing options on whether he wants to fix the roof, asphalt the driveway, or do a full bathroom makeover. It's quite an ordeal and you are stuck in purgatory, nay call it Child Hell, until you escape the clutches of Home Depot.

So stay strong young child, Dad may be there all day but at least it will keep him in full puttering mode while in the store and while he tries to fix that damn leaky sink. The only help he needs is calling the plumber when he floods the entire 2nd floor of the house.

#128 Directions & Instructions

When it comes to asking directions, men don’t do it. This is also true for Dads. Now when it comes to following directions, Dads still don’t do it.

Now this holds true in different aspects. In driving, it is clear that Dad won’t ask nor follow directions. Dads may have a GPS in their fancy new car. But he’d be damned if he used it (secret: he doesn’t know how). Instead, Dad creates short cuts to places you didn’t know cars could pass through. He’ll take the “scenic route” in order to take kids somewhere that is good for them. And when mom finally busts out the map or asks the gas station attendant how to get somewhere, Dad still refuses to take that way. “If I didn’t know how to get there, I would’ve asked myself.” Directions say turn left, Dad stays straight. Are we there yet? 

Now this also holds true in following directions and instructions for setting up items. When Dad isn’t falling asleep at IKEA or public places, he is back at home putting things together. The new TV at Best Buy that comes with free installation? Not needed because Dad can wire electronics easily. Psssst Dad most TV’s are now wireless. What ensues is Dad claiming the instructions were only sent in a foreign language, but he can put it together. Instead Dad starts speaking in a foreign language consisting of @&$(#* characters while putting your brand new desk together. He busts out power tools and channels his strength in his bad back to create a desk “worthy of a king.” And since it took him 5 hours to construct the desk, he has to wait until next week to install the TV.

 So when it comes to directions, they just aren’t necessary. “Assembly required” might make you cringe, but Dad sees it simply as a challenge. Challenge accepted. 

#127: Cleaning the Garage

Spring is knocking on the door (although these Midwest blizzards say otherwise) and moderately warm weather is around the corner. Where we come from, if it cracks 40 degrees and the sun is out, it might as well be a beach day in March. The first Saturday that meets these criteria, Dads everywhere descend on their last true domain of the house, the garage. Although Dad is the King of the Castle, the TV room gets taken over by the kids, the lawn is used by everyone, he barely can cook so the kitchen is out, but the garage is the last true place where Dads are the master. No one else likes going in there except him, but somehow all this crap gets piled up in there over the fall and winter. That is where the annual spring garage clean comes in.

You best avoid Dad when he is on his garage cleaning stint or else you will end up stacking ladders, or coiling up cords, or even worse hauling down lawn furniture from the upper levels of the garage. It isn't difficult work, it's just time consuming which is right in Dad's wheelhouse. Dad will spend hours organizing nails, hanging tools he never uses, and sweeping the garage floor of the last 364 days worth of crud. He will always do this work in groady sweatpants and a college sweatshirt older than you. Sometimes he may even bust out the jeans covered in old paint to get the job done. Whatever it is, Dad will be wearing functional and stylish (in his mind) clothes.

Dad will take at least a few hours to do the job. From cleaning the gardening tools to organizing the paint cans to hanging EVERYTHING up to hauling five trash cans worth of stuff to the curb its a dirty job. The final task is to powerwash the floor and the garage exterior. Dad loves powerwashing because it is a serious powertool but it isn't dangerous enough to kill anyone. It can be used to clean anything and everything. Dad will spend 60% of his time powerwashing just because he can. While he is out there he may just strip the paint off the car. Why? The answer is why not!!! Powerwashers are the duct tape of the cleaning world, they can do it all.

When Dad is done with his task, he will call you in to check out his skills and give a brief tutorial on where everything is now. Just nod and zone out because in a week everything will be in disarray. It is the Chaos Theory at work.

#126: Classic Dads: Mr. Matthews (Boy Meets World)

 You’d be quick to think that the Father figure in the show is Mr. Feeny, as he offers many advice and life lessons to Cory, Topanga, Shawn, and Eric. But let’s not forget the true Dad in Boy Meets World: Alan Matthews. Mr. Matthews is the latest edition to our classic Dads for his ability to embarrass his three kids, play a behind the scenes role, and part upon wisdom when needed.

Mr. Matthews had to balance Eric’s girl crazy mannerisms while trying to maintain Cory & Topanga’s whimsical growing love. He then struggled with his youngest, Morgan, as he was just used to raising boys, a classic Dad move. Let’s not forget his fatherly doings to Shawn…before Shawn moved in with Mr. Turner.

Let us not forget that all this fatherly advice, care-taking and raising was done while being a manager at the local supermarket. It wasn’t the most glamorous of jobs and he definitely passed the lesson of money along to his sons. Even when he made the mistake of quitting his job without notifying his family, he made a Dad adjustment and found a new job as the owner of an Outdoor & Sporting Goods store. 

Although they lived in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, we shouldn’t be quick to forget the effect that Mr. Matthews had on Cory & Eric. Because without Alan’s Dad-ness, Cory & Eric may not have been getting into as many hi-jinx. And we hope Cory is just as good of a Dad for his daughter in Girl Meets World. 

 

#125: Trench Coats

We are getting towards that time of the year where the weather changes almost hourly (or in Chicago every 5 minutes) but no matter what temperature it is, clouds or no clouds, humidity, whatever, there will ALWAYS be precipitation. Snow, Sleet, Rain, Hail, Thundersnow (never forget Snowpocalypse 2011), acid rain, the list goes on. The world will batter you until you are soaking wet waiting for the school bus but you do your best in rain boots and a shell jacket. But Dad has to roll in style AND stay bone dry. How does he do it? Simple...a trench coat.

Trench Coats are a perfect Dad clothing item because they are timeless yet antiquated, functional yet not cool, and have pockets for everything. How do you think Inspector Gadget could hold all those cool toys? It wasn't just the biomechanically enhanced body, it was the infinite amount of pockets holding stuff to defeat Dr. Claw. In fact I am certain every character in Goldeneye64 wears a trench coat to hold the 90+ weapons within arm's reach. And what are Inspector Gadget and James Bond? DADS of course (you bet your butt Bond has an illegitimate somewhere in Monoco or Prague).

Every Dad looks the same in a trench coat because I am sure there is only one trench coat maker and they only make one color: faded olive/khaki. It isn't a trench coat if it isn't off-brown. And the coat is almost always soaking wet because Dad had to walk from the train station home. It does provide a shelter from the elements because rain slides right off, wind cups around Dad like a swift moving blanket, hail bounces off like Dad is wearing Kevlar. It is the shining plated armor of the suburbs. And much like sweater vests and braided belts, trench coats are fit for any occasion. Versatility at its finest.

So when you are out there shivering your butt off because the rain just went down the back of your neck and your entire body is damp just remember that even though Dad looks like he is straight out of the 1920s he is dry and warm underneath that wondrous cloak. And if he pulls it off like the Dad above, he will look straight bad ass.

#124 Peanuts, Sunflower Seeds, Pistachios, Almonds…

 With daylight savings on the horizon, the groundhog not seeing his shadow, and pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training, it seems reasonable to discuss one of Dad’s favorite spring activities: eating nuts.

Now this is a year round activity, often times Dad takes notice of the seasonal nut: Eating almonds and walnuts at Christmas, eating all the nut candies in the fall for Halloween. But spring marks Dad cracking open thousands of peanut shells, pistachios and sunflower seeds.

Everyone eats seeds, from professional ball players to the girls trying to look classy at the bar. (Side note: don’t ever eat nuts left at the bar). But those habits, routines, and ability to eat the nut original from Dad’s teaching.

Think about it. Dad is the first person you saw eat that paper skin on peanuts. Dad taught you how to eat a sunflower seed by cracking the shell in your mouth. “Don’t you dare use your hands.” And pistachios? Well the shell-less nuts in the bag are for wimps. Dad treasures the nut not only for its ability to show off his Dad strength by cracking open the one that no one else can, but also for its “energy and health purposes.” The $8 bag of trail mix at the airport is destined to be inhaled by Dad. While you pick out the M&M’s, Dad takes a handful and scarfs it all together to create a trail mix smoothie in his mouth. Gotta get that protein and fiber.

So as the snow melts and the flowers bloom across the coming months, be on the look-out for sunflower seed packets and peanut bags to sweep off the shelves. Dad will take a break from cracking your skull to shovel the drive way and instead focus on cracking some nuts. 

                     

#123: Early Morning Jogging

Dads have a busy life. Between work, coaching Little League, and falling asleep at the mall, Dads have to maximize every minute of the day. And when you have to get up early for work and then afterwards do Dad things, when does he ever have time for exercise? That is where Early Morning Jogging comes in.

Dad has to be in the office at 9AM, which means he should be up significantly before that to shower, shave, go to the bathroom which in turn has that lingering Dad smell the rest of the day, eat some bran cereal, and commute. But in Dad logic, he will get up even earlier (like 5AM) to jog. It is a weird subculture but Dad loves it because he gets exercise, cool (or subzero depending on the season) fresh air, and he can wear all his favorite clothes without mom yelling at him because no one else is out that early jogging except other Dads. He can wear his tube socks, ratty old college shirt, fanny pack (to carry the Walkman he has had since before you were born), those 20 year old sweatpants, and many other Dad-attire without mockery. White New Balance shoes go without saying... Have you ever had to get up really early to go to the airport? Dads out jogging everywhere. It is an army of balding heads and soft knee braces.

Dad does the same loop of the neighborhood he has done for years, combining flat stretches with hilly terrain to work those legs. He always runs in the street to minimize injury and maximize getting hit by a car. He always comes home when you are having breakfast for school and WILL be covered in sweat no matter what the season or weather. You think that's rain on his forehead because it is pouring outside? Its definitely all sweat.

It is tough maintaining the temple that is a Dad's body. Between the cereal for dinner and the evening beer, he has to combine this healthy diet with a mildly difficult workout regimen so he can be stronger than you and continue his win streak in HORSE. He is just a competitive guy who wants to prove who is the king of the house.