Thursday, December 20, 2012

#117: The Christmas Sweater

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Snow is falling, malls are packed, egg nog is being chugged, and college football bowl games are on every single night. It's Christmas time! And as we all know, Dad has something special on deck. No it's not Terribly Wrapped Gifts or even The Santa Hat, it is something much more hideous and awesome. It is that article of clothing we all love to hate: the Christmas Sweater.

If you are one of our five fans, you know Dads love their sweaters. From Out of Date College Sweatshirts to Sweater Vests and everything in between, Dads true trademark are his ridiculous clothes that contain the word "Sweat". But the Christmas Sweater stands above them all. It can only be worn Post-Thanksgiving to 11:59PM on Dec. 25th. That truncated schedule means it needs to be worn frequently to get maximum usage. It will be seen at family gatherings, office parties, fridays at the office, elementary school chorus recitals, and holiday basketball/wrestling tournaments. The rule of thumb is if it is holiday time and a Shoulder Mounted Video Camera is present, there is ALWAYS a Christmas Sweater present. It is more consistent that Newton's Laws of Motion.

And of course, these sweaters are anything but attractive. They usually are a thick wool material with Santas, penguins, elves, reindeer, Christmas trees, wrapped gifts, and other holiday riff-raff smothered all over the sweater in no particular fashion. Some show an actual holiday scene, like carolers, that would look terrible framed on one's wall except now it is stretched and distorted over Dad's enormous gut. Some have little balls of yarn stitched to them to give that special 3D effect. It is not a true Christmas Sweater unless Bill Cosby would look at it and say, "That thing is ridiculous." That is when you know you have a winner.

So sit back and enjoy this most special time. Eat and drink plenty, take a little and give a lot, listen to Grandpa's inadvertently racist story of old times, intimidate your cousin's new boyfriend she brought to dinner, and be sure to help Aunt Edna to her car after her eighth martini. But most importantly, be sure to revel and be in awe of the vibe Dad's Christmas Sweater emits during this most wonderful time. Because come January winter just sucks.

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