#122: Knowing Finances

W-2’s start filling up the mailboxes and receipts are finally being pulled out of the wallet. It’s the beginning of tax season, and everyone seems confused…except for Dad.

Dads are accountants, financial advisors, bank tellers, mortgage lenders, and investment bankers are rolled into one. You got a question about your savings account? Dad will tell you the benefits of your interest rate compared to the fluctuating market. Why is your loan rate so high? Dad will explain the variable increases of prime. Balancing a checkbook? Well, no one does that because it is the 21^st century, but Dad does because he is old school. “Always leave a paper trail.”

And when you think you’ve asked Dad all you can about finances; that is when you realize you need help with insurance claims. Dad can step up to the plate in that aspect as well, spelling out your deductible, patient balance and percentage of coverage. My head started spinning at out of pocket…

Dad is there to guide, support, and mold us into sufficient beings. But no matter if you are age 10 getting your first allowance, Should I spend it all on gum or chocolate?, or if you’re age 35 looking to increase your IRA contribution, How much does my company match?, you will be calling Dad. Dad is a financial guru without being licensed. CFA, CPA, MBA should all be replaced by DAD.

#121: Jazz

There are some bands that are timeless from Dad's era. Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Elvis, ABBA to name a few. Dad will talk about the good ole Days before Ke$ha and One Direction (or as he calls them, One Dimension) infected the radio. A time before cassettes and CDs ruined the warmth a record or 8-Track brought to the sound. And in many days, Dad is right. His era of music was really good. However, there is one genre of music that only Dads understand and truly appreciate. Jazz.

Now I enjoy going to the Green Mill on Broadway as much as anyone. But it does not mean I know a damn thing about jazz and whether the music is good or not, it all sounds the same to me. For a child though, this is pure torture being dragged to a jazz club. You have to dress nice, comb your hair, and every time you talk at the table you are shushed. But look at dear ole Dad. Sitting there with a tall drink no one has ordered since the USA was on the gold standard calmly swaying his head to the beat with his eyes closed. In between sets he will exclaim "Did you hear how that trumpet filled?" or "That guy is really tickling those ivories!". He will discuss how he liked the improv difference versus his record of the song, and how it sounds like this old Jazz musician (his name will always begin with Ole' or Smoky or something really grizzled). You of course just nod and count down the minutes till you can bust out that Nintendo DS in the car ride home. To your horror, Dad will pump up the jazz radio station, which is always called something like The Oasis, on the way home because he isn't satisfied. It sounds like you are in a traveling Weather Channel Update On The 8s.

Dad also likes listening to his old mothball smelling Jazz records on the turntable that mom got him 30 years ago. Sitting there re-reading (yes re-reading) an old National Geographic or TIME with a good pour of Scotch is a great way for Dad to spend a Friday night. Of course it will always end with him falling asleep with his reading glasses on and the record spinning all night as the turntable needle floats in the air, the music ending two hours before. Jazz is soothing to those over the age of 30. To the rest of us it is just a weird racket. That doesn't mean Dad won't drag you to another performance next week though...

#120 Classic Dads: Coach Eric Taylor

Coach Taylor lives the dream of all un-athletic Dads: he coaches for a living. Coach Taylor oozes his Dadness on the football field, whether in practice by being a father figure to all kids on his team—from giving Matt Saracen confidence to putting a roof over Tim Riggins—or in games on Friday Nights with demanding respect through yelling til his face turns red. Even Tami Taylor has to admire that Dadness.

Coach Taylor rocks the ultimate Dad outfits, with shorts above the knees (often with cargo pockets), smushed hat, sunglasses with croakies, and usually rocking white sneakers when running errands through town. When he’s not sweating while standing up, Coach Taylor is sure to be talking to all strangers in town in a polite manner. He even gives the annoying Buddy Garrity the time of day. 

Lastly, let’s not forget the ultimate Dad feature of Coach Taylor: his ability to embarrass Julie. He does this in the ultimate Dad way, by not being able to understand his teenage daughter. That doesn’t stop him from intimidating boyfriends, and even living a Dad’s worst nightmare: walking in on his daughter with a boy in bed. And with being outnumbered in his own home, with his wife and daughter Julie, he copes on the football field. 

So to you Coach Taylor, we place you in the So Dad Hall of Fame. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.

   

         

#119: Tevas

We at That's So Dad hold a few basic tenets that truly represent Dads. A big one is clothing choices. Every article of clothing from head to toe has been scrutinized. We all know that White New Balance Shoes are the official footwear of Dads everywhere but there is a special shoe that we have not recognized. It is the official summer shoe of Dads: The Teva.

Tevas are perfect for Dads because they are functional, keep their feet cool, and look totally ridiculous. They fulfill Dad's mission of being comfy and embarrassing the kids at the same time. As soon as the weather hits above 55 degrees (70 for you wusses down South or in California) and the snow is gone Tevas are in full effect. Dad will wear them for a walk into town, to AYSO games, and of course Disney World and other theme parks. For maximum embarrassment he will sometimes throw on a pair of Tube Socks to get the full Dad/German tourist effect. It is elegant and awful at the same time.

Tevas are also prevalent when Dad drags the family on a camping and/or canoeing trip. He can trudge through dirt, mud, streams, rapids, thickets, post-Apocalyptic Australia, the River Styx, and Baghdad circa 2006 without a care in the world. His feet are armed with the equivalent of tank treads so he will be able to navigate the camp ground with perfect ease.


Dads always look for function over form and Tevas are the perfect example. Dad considers it a lost summer if by Labor Day he does not have the Teva Strap tan on his feet. He has failed his family in Dadness, but at least he has succeeded in maximum embarrassment. Just remember to look away and ignore him when he waves to you while waiting for ice cream at the zoo. Even though every other kid feels the same shame because their Dads are wearing Tevas too.

#118 Not Knowing What He Got You for Christmas:

It is two days after Christmas, so by now you’ve already broken at least half of your toys and stained 3 of you brand new shirts. I wish New Year’s came with gifts. The remaining gifts are either durable or require an exchange, so it is time to pester Dad for a ride to the mall. The conversation usually goes a little something like this:

“Daaaad…will you take me to the mall?”
“What for? You just got a ton of gifts!”
“I have to exchange this shirt.”
“That’s a great shirt though! Did Grandma get it for you?”
“No—you did.”

That is when you realize Dad has no idea what he got you for Christmas. So that’s why you got the R rated movies and Slim Shady LP with Parental Advisory sticker. We know Dad is an advocate of the list, but to follow it entirely without knowledge of what he is getting is pretty impressive. The salesman at Target even threw in the see-through purple N64 controller because he knew you’d want it.

The other classic move is that Dad has no idea what size you are for clothing. While Santa knows your size because he watches you when you’re sleeping or awake, Dad takes a guess because “you grow faster by the minute.” It becomes clear that Mom bought you the shirts. It’s even clearer as you witness Dad not even dressing himself as mother returns with fresh clothing for him every so often.

So let that be a lesson to kids for future years: be very precise with what you want. If you want Heelys, you better be specific, otherwise you’ll end up with the new Skechers Shape Ups that match Mom’s pair.

#117: The Christmas Sweater

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Snow is falling, malls are packed, egg nog is being chugged, and college football bowl games are on every single night. It's Christmas time! And as we all know, Dad has something special on deck. No it's not Terribly Wrapped Gifts or even The Santa Hat, it is something much more hideous and awesome. It is that article of clothing we all love to hate: the Christmas Sweater.

If you are one of our five fans, you know Dads love their sweaters. From Out of Date College Sweatshirts to Sweater Vests and everything in between, Dads true trademark are his ridiculous clothes that contain the word "Sweat". But the Christmas Sweater stands above them all. It can only be worn Post-Thanksgiving to 11:59PM on Dec. 25th. That truncated schedule means it needs to be worn frequently to get maximum usage. It will be seen at family gatherings, office parties, fridays at the office, elementary school chorus recitals, and holiday basketball/wrestling tournaments. The rule of thumb is if it is holiday time and a Shoulder Mounted Video Camera is present, there is ALWAYS a Christmas Sweater present. It is more consistent that Newton's Laws of Motion.

And of course, these sweaters are anything but attractive. They usually are a thick wool material with Santas, penguins, elves, reindeer, Christmas trees, wrapped gifts, and other holiday riff-raff smothered all over the sweater in no particular fashion. Some show an actual holiday scene, like carolers, that would look terrible framed on one's wall except now it is stretched and distorted over Dad's enormous gut. Some have little balls of yarn stitched to them to give that special 3D effect. It is not a true Christmas Sweater unless Bill Cosby would look at it and say, "That thing is ridiculous." That is when you know you have a winner.


So sit back and enjoy this most special time. Eat and drink plenty, take a little and give a lot, listen to Grandpa's inadvertently racist story of old times, intimidate your cousin's new boyfriend she brought to dinner, and be sure to help Aunt Edna to her car after her eighth martini. But most importantly, be sure to revel and be in awe of the vibe Dad's Christmas Sweater emits during this most wonderful time. Because come January winter just sucks.

#116 Bran Cereal

IT’S SATURDAY MORNING!!! TIME FOR CARTOONS, PAJAMAS AND SUGARY CEREAL UNTIL YOU THROW UP! This moment makes all the teachers’ dirty looks worth it. As you slide into the kitchen pantry, you can’t decide whether to eat Lucky Charms or Cap’n Crunch. Both have nutritional value, and both are advertised by your favorite cartoon characters. That’s when disaster strikes and all you see in the pantry is a box of whole grain bran cereal: Dad’s cereal. 

As much as Dad loves succulent flavor involved for his steaks and Sunday morning breakfasts, Dad hates taste in the morning. Dad’s goal for the morning is to choke down enough coffee  so he isn’t a zombie and enough bran cereal so that he can disappear into the bathroom for 20-30 minutes before work. Something to do with Fiber?

 

Dad once tricked you into trying a bowl of his bran cereal, claiming that all cereals are the same. No. Not all cereals taste like cardboard. Dad tries to compromise by buying Raisin Bran, but you won’t fall for that one. Raisins do not disguise cardboard. And you can barely choke down a bowl of plain Cheerios without at least 3 cups of sugar. To make matters worse, Dad buys off brand bran cereal. Dad won’t even shell out for Kellogg’s or Fiber One, instead opting for Arrowhead Mills “because it’s organic!”

 The crunch of bran cereal is the worst. How can Dad read the newspaper in the morning with the sound of jackhammers in his mouth. You may chew with your mouth open, but at least its quieter than Dad’s bran cereal. What is bran even made of—nails? So while Dad strolls into the kitchen to help himself to a hearty bowl and offers you some, you slyly move to the toaster. “No thanks Dad, I’ll just have some Pop-tarts with my cartoons.” Still a solid Saturday morning.