#135: Burying Kids in the Sand

Summer is getting closer and closer, even though the Midwestern weather doesn't say so, and that means beach days are coming! Kids love the beach because it has a myriad of activities. Building sand castles, chasing sea gulls, play frisbee, swimming, trying to body surf, accidentally swallowing a mouthful of salt water while trying to body surf, the list goes on. But Dad really goes to the beach to relax AKA be really boring and fall asleep. His nap tends to be cut short when his rugrat keeps saying he is bored or if Dad wants to play or just does not stop screaming. Dad has a solution that allows him to bond with his son AND get the kid to calm down. Bury him in the sand.

Every child that has gone to the beach has had the idea of just digging a gigantic hole. I loved getting down to the water table where the hole had a little pool in it. Or sometimes I got my Jules Verne on and tried to dig to the center of the earth. The end result of course is wanting to get buried in the hole so only your head sticks out. Dad is more than happy to oblige. This is Dads favorite beach activity that involves moving (besides digging through the cooler for another beer). Before you know it Dad's gargantuan hands shovel the sand snuggly around you and only your head is exposed, like a beach ball chillin on a sand dune. If Dad has done it well, he has packed the sand tight enough that you can't move. It's virtually a tomb, a strait jacket, purgatory, a time out while Dad gets some shut eye. You have been duped. At least the view is good until Dad decides to help did you out.

#134 Talking to Strangers

When Dad isn’t falling asleep in public places, you can definitely count on him making some new friends. Since you’re too busy ignoring Dad (because geez, so embarrassing), Dad talks to anyone within a 5 foot radius of him.

It’ll usually begin with a Dad-ism. “I wish my bananas were THIS ripe! AM I RIGHT?!” So embarrassing and yet the grocery cashier chuckled. And that’s when Dad thinks he found his new best friend. And you’ll be stuck there for the next 30 minutes as he tells the same story over and over.

And then once they’ve become friends, Dad realizes he’s been rude:
“Oh I’m sorry—this is my son. He wet the bed until he was 8.”
Really? Why?
Dad is always set to embarrass you.

You’d think Dad would set a better example, considering how many times he tells you not to talk to strangers. But do as Dad says, not as he does. These interactions happen with anyone. Grocery cashiers, bank tellers, waitresses, the random person walking their dog. Dad’s conversation skills are non-discriminatory. If you are within earshot, he will converse with you. And pray you don’t see anyone wearing the same or similar shirt as him. Because that conversation will not be in the form of talking, but rather a bunch of finger pointing and Fonzie like “Eeeeeyyyy”s.

#133: Galoshes

Spring is upon us which with it brings baseball, birds chirping, and days where rain never ends. How is Dad supposed to walk to the train for work or mulch the yard for the summer with all this precipitation? Well young man he just slips on his overshoes, his rain boots. Or what real Dads call them: galoshes.

Galoshes, for the uninitiated, are thick leather or rubber shoes you slip over your normal shoes so they don't get ruined. They are also another name for rain boots. In true Dad form, although he tends to look ridiculous in galoshes, he knows they are VERY practical. They gain bonus points because they also embarrass his kids when he runs errands in them What?? You expect me to walk through a wet parking lot WITHOUT my galoshes?? They usually are caked in mud from what ever project Dad made up in order to get away from the kids for a few hours. Usually something like digging a drain pipe, tilling the garden, or coaching an AYSO soccer game during a tsunami. They NEVER get washed off either since Dads see the mud as battle scars, something to compare with other Dads on the block as they discuss the virtues of manure for the rose bushes or compare notes on garage maintenance.

Dad may even have a supplemental pair of galoshes exclusively for rainy travel days. After spending all morning making Dad noises in the bathroom getting ready for work and splashing on that bottle of Old Spice aftershave that he bought when David Lee Roth was still in Van Halen, the last thing Dad wants is for the rain to ruin his commute. So of course he grabs the ol' umbrella, puts on his sweet trench coat, and slips on the galoshes to protect his tasseled loafers. It isn't too common when Dad drives, but if he takes the train you better believe galoshes are worn the second it even hints at spitting rain. Commuter trains in the morning are filled with galoshes, all identical with their thick black hides. Dads don't even acknowledge them they are so commonplace. The new Dad on the train will wonder why these weirdos wear shoes over their shoes, but he will learn the second he gets off the train and a cab soaks his Cole Haans. Veteran Dads will just shake their heads in his ignorance, he has so much to learn...

#132 College Tours

 

It is spring break for most people, which means college campuses are being bombarded by prospective high schoolers. As you try to look cool in your varsity jackets and color rubber-banded braces, Dad is pestering the tour guide about every nuanced detail of the college. See when Dad isn’t interrogating you at the dinner table as if it were a job interview, he’s asking those questions to someone else. And what better time that on a college tour, something that will define your future for the rest of your life.

“Can you tell us about the student faculty ratio?”
“What do most people major in? Is there a specialty? How often do kids switch their major?”
“What is the retention rate? What is the graduation rate? What is the international student percentage rate?”
How many questions can you ask using rate?

While you’re concerned if Greek life exists, (and if so, does it haze?), Dad needs to know the ins and outs of the school. Dad claims this is about your future, but in reality it’s about the investment he’s making with his bank account. With all the questions Dad is asking, he is mainly trying to get the answer to” “Can my kid go here and not become a screw up?”

So while you claim that the school is your top choice because it “felt” right, Dad is making sure that you’ll have a great experience at it. Yes, education is important, but Dad wants to be able to compare his college stories with yours. And compare old college sweaters. 

#131: Telling Bedtime Stories

The dreaded time is nigh. Dinner is done, homework is finished Ugh, TWO worksheets is wayyyy too much work, and you are relaxing watching some TV at the end of the day. But it is shattered by those awful words uttered by mom, "Alright, it's bedtime! Go get ready for bed." UUUGGGHHHHHH. You shuffle off to take a brush your teeth, pretend to floss, and put on your PJs. It might as well be torture to get ready for something you don't want to do. How come mom and Dad get to stay up late? When I grow up I am going to stay up allllll night! But there is one good pre-sleeping activity: Dad is going to tell a bedtime story!

Bedtime stories are when Dad can get really creative. His audience is riveted, hanging on every word, ready to take on every twist and turn of action. Dad uses funny voices, sound effects, hand gestures, audience participation, and everything short of CGI to create entertainment. I can't imagine what its like when Michael Bay tells bedtime stories, it's probably filled with asteroids, the White House exploding, and huge robots teaching lessons about how they got powerful by eating their veggies at dinner. Of course, all of Dads stories are "true". From the time he fought off ninjas to the time he dug to the center of the Earth. Sure he may have just wandered into a small cave once, but that won't stop him from talking about the mole people he met ten miles below the surface. Is there anything Dad can't do???

Dad usually cuts it off after 20 minutes or so, mostly because he is out of material for the night. It is hard to BS a monologue like that, but Dad has a true talent. The ultimate goal is for his kid to be out cold, but that usually is not the case. If worse comes to worse, at least he kept his kid from complaining about going to sleep for just a little longer.

#130 Shoe Polish

    “Shoe shine! Get your shoe shine!” Who actually uses those? Wait—is that Dad? Dad has taken a moment from the hustle and bustle of the airport to use the shoe shine station that you thought no one ever used. It looks like it’s been there before airplanes were invented and the shoe shine guy might brush his teeth using the polish—aka, he has none. But Dad insists it must be done. “Nothing like a good pair of shiny shoes” Dad musters with his signature smirk.

While you’ve been taught to stay away from shoe polish because of its ability to stain anything, even your skin according to mom, Dad embraces shoe polish for its renewable and rejuvenating effect on his beat up shoes. Much like Dad’s sweatpants or college sweatshirt, Dad’s shoes have been around and seen a lot. You’d never guess by the layers of shoe shine on them.

You do notice how worn out they are when Dad returns from work and claims “his dogs are barking.” Since when does dogs mean feet?  But you oblige Dad’s request and take off his shoes. That’s when you’ll witness the years of shoe shine and scuff on those shoes. From far away, they are professional, but up close you see the scratched character and smell from Dad’s “dogs.” 

“Dad—you need a new pair of shoes!”
“These things? Nothing a little shoe polish can’t fix.”

And off to his closet Dad goes. He reveals brushes, canisters, plastic bags and a mess of things almost as complex as his toolbox. Some of the things have multi use in his shaving kit, but that’s another story. And to your surprise, a couple schwoop schwoop brushes and the shoes look good as new. Shoe polish is Dad’s multi-purpose friend…well after duct tape. 

#129: The Hardware Store

The hardware store is Dad's equivalent of Chuck E Cheese, Disneyworld, and Willy Wonka's Factory combined. An endless wonderland of hammers, rivet guns, and most importantly: MULCH. If Dad had it his way, the entire world would be covered in that glorious manure and woodchip mixture. As a kid though, there is not a more boring place than the hardware store. It is filled with stuff that you can't touch because it's really expensive and you will break it. Also most of the stuff a kid sees he does not have a damn clue what it does. A hardware store is filled with the cacophony of kid's questions. Dad, what's this?? Socket wrench. This? Hose clamp. Oh, and this? A reciprocating saw. Now stop asking questions Daddy is trying to figure out how he can buy this pneumatic hammer without making mommy mad. So the kid sits there in silence staring at tools that might as well have come off a UFO ship they are so strange. Dad usually does not even know what they do, he only knows that he WANTS them.

Dad's trip to the hardware store is not a short affair. Like mom going to the mall to exchange some jeans, its an all day journey rivaling Frodo's walk to Mordor or Forest Gump's little jog across the USA. He may go just to get some nails or a key cut, but before you know it he is weighing options on whether he wants to fix the roof, asphalt the driveway, or do a full bathroom makeover. It's quite an ordeal and you are stuck in purgatory, nay call it Child Hell, until you escape the clutches of Home Depot.

So stay strong young child, Dad may be there all day but at least it will keep him in full puttering mode while in the store and while he tries to fix that damn leaky sink. The only help he needs is calling the plumber when he floods the entire 2nd floor of the house.