#127: Cleaning the Garage

Spring is knocking on the door (although these Midwest blizzards say otherwise) and moderately warm weather is around the corner. Where we come from, if it cracks 40 degrees and the sun is out, it might as well be a beach day in March. The first Saturday that meets these criteria, Dads everywhere descend on their last true domain of the house, the garage. Although Dad is the King of the Castle, the TV room gets taken over by the kids, the lawn is used by everyone, he barely can cook so the kitchen is out, but the garage is the last true place where Dads are the master. No one else likes going in there except him, but somehow all this crap gets piled up in there over the fall and winter. That is where the annual spring garage clean comes in.

You best avoid Dad when he is on his garage cleaning stint or else you will end up stacking ladders, or coiling up cords, or even worse hauling down lawn furniture from the upper levels of the garage. It isn't difficult work, it's just time consuming which is right in Dad's wheelhouse. Dad will spend hours organizing nails, hanging tools he never uses, and sweeping the garage floor of the last 364 days worth of crud. He will always do this work in groady sweatpants and a college sweatshirt older than you. Sometimes he may even bust out the jeans covered in old paint to get the job done. Whatever it is, Dad will be wearing functional and stylish (in his mind) clothes.

Dad will take at least a few hours to do the job. From cleaning the gardening tools to organizing the paint cans to hanging EVERYTHING up to hauling five trash cans worth of stuff to the curb its a dirty job. The final task is to powerwash the floor and the garage exterior. Dad loves powerwashing because it is a serious powertool but it isn't dangerous enough to kill anyone. It can be used to clean anything and everything. Dad will spend 60% of his time powerwashing just because he can. While he is out there he may just strip the paint off the car. Why? The answer is why not!!! Powerwashers are the duct tape of the cleaning world, they can do it all.

When Dad is done with his task, he will call you in to check out his skills and give a brief tutorial on where everything is now. Just nod and zone out because in a week everything will be in disarray. It is the Chaos Theory at work.

#126: Classic Dads: Mr. Matthews (Boy Meets World)

 You’d be quick to think that the Father figure in the show is Mr. Feeny, as he offers many advice and life lessons to Cory, Topanga, Shawn, and Eric. But let’s not forget the true Dad in Boy Meets World: Alan Matthews. Mr. Matthews is the latest edition to our classic Dads for his ability to embarrass his three kids, play a behind the scenes role, and part upon wisdom when needed.

Mr. Matthews had to balance Eric’s girl crazy mannerisms while trying to maintain Cory & Topanga’s whimsical growing love. He then struggled with his youngest, Morgan, as he was just used to raising boys, a classic Dad move. Let’s not forget his fatherly doings to Shawn…before Shawn moved in with Mr. Turner.

Let us not forget that all this fatherly advice, care-taking and raising was done while being a manager at the local supermarket. It wasn’t the most glamorous of jobs and he definitely passed the lesson of money along to his sons. Even when he made the mistake of quitting his job without notifying his family, he made a Dad adjustment and found a new job as the owner of an Outdoor & Sporting Goods store. 

Although they lived in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, we shouldn’t be quick to forget the effect that Mr. Matthews had on Cory & Eric. Because without Alan’s Dad-ness, Cory & Eric may not have been getting into as many hi-jinx. And we hope Cory is just as good of a Dad for his daughter in Girl Meets World. 

 

#125: Trench Coats

We are getting towards that time of the year where the weather changes almost hourly (or in Chicago every 5 minutes) but no matter what temperature it is, clouds or no clouds, humidity, whatever, there will ALWAYS be precipitation. Snow, Sleet, Rain, Hail, Thundersnow (never forget Snowpocalypse 2011), acid rain, the list goes on. The world will batter you until you are soaking wet waiting for the school bus but you do your best in rain boots and a shell jacket. But Dad has to roll in style AND stay bone dry. How does he do it? Simple...a trench coat.

Trench Coats are a perfect Dad clothing item because they are timeless yet antiquated, functional yet not cool, and have pockets for everything. How do you think Inspector Gadget could hold all those cool toys? It wasn't just the biomechanically enhanced body, it was the infinite amount of pockets holding stuff to defeat Dr. Claw. In fact I am certain every character in Goldeneye64 wears a trench coat to hold the 90+ weapons within arm's reach. And what are Inspector Gadget and James Bond? DADS of course (you bet your butt Bond has an illegitimate somewhere in Monoco or Prague).

Every Dad looks the same in a trench coat because I am sure there is only one trench coat maker and they only make one color: faded olive/khaki. It isn't a trench coat if it isn't off-brown. And the coat is almost always soaking wet because Dad had to walk from the train station home. It does provide a shelter from the elements because rain slides right off, wind cups around Dad like a swift moving blanket, hail bounces off like Dad is wearing Kevlar. It is the shining plated armor of the suburbs. And much like sweater vests and braided belts, trench coats are fit for any occasion. Versatility at its finest.

So when you are out there shivering your butt off because the rain just went down the back of your neck and your entire body is damp just remember that even though Dad looks like he is straight out of the 1920s he is dry and warm underneath that wondrous cloak. And if he pulls it off like the Dad above, he will look straight bad ass.

#124 Peanuts, Sunflower Seeds, Pistachios, Almonds…

 With daylight savings on the horizon, the groundhog not seeing his shadow, and pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training, it seems reasonable to discuss one of Dad’s favorite spring activities: eating nuts.

Now this is a year round activity, often times Dad takes notice of the seasonal nut: Eating almonds and walnuts at Christmas, eating all the nut candies in the fall for Halloween. But spring marks Dad cracking open thousands of peanut shells, pistachios and sunflower seeds.

Everyone eats seeds, from professional ball players to the girls trying to look classy at the bar. (Side note: don’t ever eat nuts left at the bar). But those habits, routines, and ability to eat the nut original from Dad’s teaching.

Think about it. Dad is the first person you saw eat that paper skin on peanuts. Dad taught you how to eat a sunflower seed by cracking the shell in your mouth. “Don’t you dare use your hands.” And pistachios? Well the shell-less nuts in the bag are for wimps. Dad treasures the nut not only for its ability to show off his Dad strength by cracking open the one that no one else can, but also for its “energy and health purposes.” The $8 bag of trail mix at the airport is destined to be inhaled by Dad. While you pick out the M&M’s, Dad takes a handful and scarfs it all together to create a trail mix smoothie in his mouth. Gotta get that protein and fiber.

So as the snow melts and the flowers bloom across the coming months, be on the look-out for sunflower seed packets and peanut bags to sweep off the shelves. Dad will take a break from cracking your skull to shovel the drive way and instead focus on cracking some nuts. 

                     

#123: Early Morning Jogging

Dads have a busy life. Between work, coaching Little League, and falling asleep at the mall, Dads have to maximize every minute of the day. And when you have to get up early for work and then afterwards do Dad things, when does he ever have time for exercise? That is where Early Morning Jogging comes in.

Dad has to be in the office at 9AM, which means he should be up significantly before that to shower, shave, go to the bathroom which in turn has that lingering Dad smell the rest of the day, eat some bran cereal, and commute. But in Dad logic, he will get up even earlier (like 5AM) to jog. It is a weird subculture but Dad loves it because he gets exercise, cool (or subzero depending on the season) fresh air, and he can wear all his favorite clothes without mom yelling at him because no one else is out that early jogging except other Dads. He can wear his tube socks, ratty old college shirt, fanny pack (to carry the Walkman he has had since before you were born), those 20 year old sweatpants, and many other Dad-attire without mockery. White New Balance shoes go without saying... Have you ever had to get up really early to go to the airport? Dads out jogging everywhere. It is an army of balding heads and soft knee braces.

Dad does the same loop of the neighborhood he has done for years, combining flat stretches with hilly terrain to work those legs. He always runs in the street to minimize injury and maximize getting hit by a car. He always comes home when you are having breakfast for school and WILL be covered in sweat no matter what the season or weather. You think that's rain on his forehead because it is pouring outside? Its definitely all sweat.

It is tough maintaining the temple that is a Dad's body. Between the cereal for dinner and the evening beer, he has to combine this healthy diet with a mildly difficult workout regimen so he can be stronger than you and continue his win streak in HORSE. He is just a competitive guy who wants to prove who is the king of the house.

#122: Knowing Finances

W-2’s start filling up the mailboxes and receipts are finally being pulled out of the wallet. It’s the beginning of tax season, and everyone seems confused…except for Dad.

Dads are accountants, financial advisors, bank tellers, mortgage lenders, and investment bankers are rolled into one. You got a question about your savings account? Dad will tell you the benefits of your interest rate compared to the fluctuating market. Why is your loan rate so high? Dad will explain the variable increases of prime. Balancing a checkbook? Well, no one does that because it is the 21^st century, but Dad does because he is old school. “Always leave a paper trail.”

And when you think you’ve asked Dad all you can about finances; that is when you realize you need help with insurance claims. Dad can step up to the plate in that aspect as well, spelling out your deductible, patient balance and percentage of coverage. My head started spinning at out of pocket…

Dad is there to guide, support, and mold us into sufficient beings. But no matter if you are age 10 getting your first allowance, Should I spend it all on gum or chocolate?, or if you’re age 35 looking to increase your IRA contribution, How much does my company match?, you will be calling Dad. Dad is a financial guru without being licensed. CFA, CPA, MBA should all be replaced by DAD.

#121: Jazz

There are some bands that are timeless from Dad's era. Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Elvis, ABBA to name a few. Dad will talk about the good ole Days before Ke$ha and One Direction (or as he calls them, One Dimension) infected the radio. A time before cassettes and CDs ruined the warmth a record or 8-Track brought to the sound. And in many days, Dad is right. His era of music was really good. However, there is one genre of music that only Dads understand and truly appreciate. Jazz.

Now I enjoy going to the Green Mill on Broadway as much as anyone. But it does not mean I know a damn thing about jazz and whether the music is good or not, it all sounds the same to me. For a child though, this is pure torture being dragged to a jazz club. You have to dress nice, comb your hair, and every time you talk at the table you are shushed. But look at dear ole Dad. Sitting there with a tall drink no one has ordered since the USA was on the gold standard calmly swaying his head to the beat with his eyes closed. In between sets he will exclaim "Did you hear how that trumpet filled?" or "That guy is really tickling those ivories!". He will discuss how he liked the improv difference versus his record of the song, and how it sounds like this old Jazz musician (his name will always begin with Ole' or Smoky or something really grizzled). You of course just nod and count down the minutes till you can bust out that Nintendo DS in the car ride home. To your horror, Dad will pump up the jazz radio station, which is always called something like The Oasis, on the way home because he isn't satisfied. It sounds like you are in a traveling Weather Channel Update On The 8s.

Dad also likes listening to his old mothball smelling Jazz records on the turntable that mom got him 30 years ago. Sitting there re-reading (yes re-reading) an old National Geographic or TIME with a good pour of Scotch is a great way for Dad to spend a Friday night. Of course it will always end with him falling asleep with his reading glasses on and the record spinning all night as the turntable needle floats in the air, the music ending two hours before. Jazz is soothing to those over the age of 30. To the rest of us it is just a weird racket. That doesn't mean Dad won't drag you to another performance next week though...