#143: Camping

As the days get longer, the weather hotter, and the clouds of mosquitoes larger Dads have a tendency to try to get everyone out of the house. "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY, STOP WASTING IT BY PLAYING THAT NINTENDO GAME!" But he has hatched a plan for the weekend to get you outside, which will of course be revealed at the last possible moment, the whole family is going camping.

Dads live their weekdays chained to a desk, drinking mediocre coffee, while reviewing spreadsheets and going to boring meetings (us here at That's So Dad know this all too well). They want to get OUT on the weekends and camping is the exact opposite of the office. Where can he wear thick hiking socks jammed into Tevas, a huge floppy hat, and his hiking brace without looking like a total weirdo? The campsite! And no matter how much you don't want to be pulled away from your Playcube 64, fancy smartphone, Facespace, and Tweeter you are going camping and that is final!

Dads have this sense that they are all great outdoorsman, when most of them aren't. However it allows them to show off their skills in knot tying and tending to the campfire while also taking three hours to set up a tent. However, Dad will truly shine later as he roasts the perfect marshmallow and tells the scariest ghost story that happened in this. very. forest. Dads use camping to teach valuable life lessons and have deep discussions, because he knows you can't go anywhere. Common sayings on camp outs include: "Boy I wish my Dad took me camping when I was your age." "Now THAT'S a sunset!" "It's 4AM and the fish are biting, who wants to get out there!" and of course, "Aw it's only a little downpour, I am sure the rain will move right on in a bit." (Hint: it won't). Dadisms are passed out like Tylenol after an All-Dad basketball game.


So suck it up and go camping with Dad. You might just enjoy it after you get past the 15th horsefly bites you, numbing your hand enough that the 16th hurts only a little.

#142: Buying Gifts for Himself

 Father’s Day is quickly approaching, so better think of some gifts to get Dad. What should I get him?

Hmmm…

Still stumped.

Why is it so hard to get gifts for Dad?
The problem is that when Dad isn’t purchasing a gift for you that he secretly wants, he is using his hard earned money to buy himself gifts. Rather than wait a week for the gift for his birthday, Father’s day, or Christmas, Dad just buys it for himself. It’s as if he is following his advice and Dad-ism, “Why do something later that you could do now?” This is why it is so hard to get gifts for Dads. That’s why Dad’s always have to pretend to like their Father’s Day gifts. The ties, shoes, and cards are custom cop-out gifts. It’s what we give when we have no idea what Dad actually wants.

You had ideas—the newest gadget from Sharper Image? Dad bought it last week. The tickets to the sporting event, Dad bought them with work buddies. The brew your own beer set, Dad bought that when mom wasn’t looking. The new power tool adapter? Dad bought it during the infomercial.

So good luck with your last minute gifts this weekend for Father’s Day presents. Dad has everything he really wants. But because of that, Dad appreciates all the random knick knack gifts even more.

                              

#141: Knots

"DAAAAAAAAD!!!! I forgot how to tie my shoes agaiinnnnnnn." Dad just taught you again how to do the loop, swoop, and pull (or Bunny Ears, whichever tactic) and here you sit with laces all tangled into the most complicated slip knot since Houdini's coffin. Dad comes over, kneels down, and magic happens. Those calloused, hairy hands (Dad's always grow hair in weird places)  have the magic touch and create a perfectly symmetrical loop-swoop-pull knot that would keep your shoes on in a hurricane. How does he do it?

Dads grew up before there was cable TV, video games, the KFC Double Down, and cartoons on demand. That meant Dad actually played outside for most of his youth and in so doing he learned a variety of knots to tie up kites, raise clubhouse flags, and all that other stuff you see on Leave it To Beaver reruns. As he grew up Dad graduated to sailboats and Boy Scouts where they are taught that everything in the world can be solved with an intricate knot. Clove hitch, Double Fisherman's, Slippery Eight Loop, Carrick Bend, even the barely useful yet awesome Monkey's Fist, Dad can do it all. When the family goes camping Dad's tent construction is supported only by knots but a Japanese Tsunami would not knock that tent over. It is indestructible.

If you have ever been on a sailboat with Dad, you can see in his eyes the excitement he has for tying knots. He gets to use his whole repertoire and does not hesitate to use the EXACT knot for its EXACT job, even though another knot will do just fine. "That's not the right knot!! Use a Buntline Hitch if you're gonna attach the spinnaker to the halliard rope!!!!" Okay Dad, I just want to pretend I am a pirate...You don't complain because you know Dad is right. That boat could be a 6ft Sunfish or it would be the Titanic, it WILL have proper knots.

So when Dad is fumbling around with the rope swing

or trying to tie together some fishing line, be sure to pay attention. You might actually learn a thing or two about the amazing world of knots.

#140: Beach Attire

Towels, check. Sunblock, check. Oversized tote bag, check. You are ready for the beach. Dad, on the other hand, has a much bigger checklist for his beach outings.

Sunblock, check. Extra sunblock, check. Bucket Hats, towels, coolers, sunglasses, croakies, windbreaker (wait—what?), first aid kit, lawn chair, and socks with sandals. Dad is now ready to conquer the beach.

For Dads, the beach isn’t just a place to bury your kids and make up false treasure maps that your kids still believe to this day. The beach is a place to embarrass your kids while also teaching them lessons. “Why does Dad have to wear that goofy hat and sunblock on his nose?” “BECAUSE UV RAYS ARE SILENT KILLERS!”

While you enjoy the seashells and building sand castles, Dad will stay back under the umbrella and observe the waves and current tide. Don’t worry though, Dad chose your spot on the sand away from the current’s pull incase you wanted to go into the water. 

And when you’ve exhausted the day by somehow swallowing more salt water and sand than your body weight, you waddle yourself over to the beach showers. Dad, meanwhile, packs things up efficiently, showing no signs of sand or having even been at the beach. “The secret is an extra pair of socks.” And you wonder how Dad got so wise as you fall asleep on the drive home. 

#139: Puttering Around the House

Now that the weather has gotten better and Memorial Day approaches, Summer will very soon be in full swing. That means pick up baseball games, ice cream trucks, playing with the lawn sprinkler, sun burns, and jeans covered in grass stains. For Dad it means it is project time. Time to get around to all those things he couldn't do in the winter. And these aren't huge tasks like building a patio or fixing the house foundation. It is real minor stuff that makes him look busy so mom won't make him go shopping or something. Dad puttering around the house is his way of passing the time until he can fire up the grill or make his tee time.

Dad knows that if he has nothing to fix, mom will make him do boring stuff like go to a flower expo, or go "shopping" where Dad's opinion doesn't matter while stuck in the purgatory that is the Macy's sitting area aka Dad Detention. Therefore he keeps busy with odd jobs that would normally take a minute, but he stretches out into an hour job (or three beers, which ever comes last). Things like fixing the door jam, sweeping the garage, cleaning the grill or his golf clubs, changing lightbulbs, the list goes on and on. In fact it never really ends, Dad just keeps making stuff up until he is risk-free from being forced to go to the farmers market. If he has run out of ideas he will always relegate to watering the lawn. It makes him look busy, but really he just stands there drinking a beer with a hose in his hand. It's not rocket science but he won't tell you that.

So when you get home from the local pool, take a look around the house to see what "improvements" Dad has done in your absence. The fire alarms all have fresh batteries (which were changed last month), the lawn is aerated, the TV cables are all bundled neatly. Sure they may be things that didn't have to happen right now but Dad takes pride in his work. Just don't ask Dad what he did or else you're gonna be stuck in an hour long conversation from the planet Boring.

#138: To Do/Check Lists

After a long week of work, Dad wants to spend the weekend cracking open beers, relaxing in his chair and watching golf. He deserves it. But that’s when mom hands him the honey-do list.

You may think you’re the only one that has chores. But Dad’s get a list of them. And rightfully so because Dad’s can’t function without To Do and Check lists. While mom’s can multi-tasks (cooking dinner while on the phone with grandma and teaching you algebra all at the same time), Dad needs a break down of tasks that need to be handled one at a time.

While your chores consist of taking out the garbage (And take it all the way to sidewalk? You think I’m a superhero or something?), Dad has to pay credit cards, clean the garage, clean the gutters, pick up dry cleaning, buy gift for the nephew we never see, pick up dinner, build new desk for study, refill ink cartridge, and install router for wireless internet.

The To-Do list immediately goes into Dad’s pocket next to his belt strap phone holder. He will pull it out only to review his progress and also complain to the cashier at the hard-ware store to show “how much the old lady is making me do.”

Don’t worry Dad because as soon as you cross off all the tasks from that To-Do list, there’ll be another one waiting to handle during the week after work. 

#137: Weird Condiments

"I'm hungry, I wanna sandwich." Dad mutters as he gets out of his chair and shuffles to the kitchen. That is the signal to stay OUT of the kitchen because things are about to get weird. Dads run on a balanced and highly calculated diet of coffee, grilled meats, scotch, and smothering food in weird condiments. We have already highlighted Dad's infatuation with the huge sandwich but we have yet to touch on the toppings Dad puts on EVERYTHING. You think you are fancy because you like ketchup and the occasional mustard on your hot dog? You are not even close to Dad level when it comes to condiments.

When Dad orders a hot dog, it is required to have as many toppings as possible. Dad puts the basic Chicago Style Dog (Vienna Beef hot dog, mustard, neon relish, onion, tomato, pickle spear, sport peppers, celery salt on a poppy seed bun for the uninitiated out there) to shame. He starts tame, things like grilled onions and yellow mustard. But before you know it he has sauerkraut, cheese whiz, horseradish, jalapenos, spicy mustard, hot sauce, and several things you didn't even know existed on top of that little tube of meat. For good measure he may even ask for another hot dog on top to round it out. It basically looks like a trash can emptied on top of a bun and smells AWFUL. Dad puts it down in two bites.

Dad of course loves weird condiments because of a few reasons: there are some tastes that only appeal to Dads (kimchi anyone?), and he puts them on his food so no one else will eat it. Also he loves grossing out his kids and embarrassing them when he holds up the sandwich line as they spoon sardines out onto his Reuben. And let's not forget the cheese! Dad doesn't draw the line at Kraft American singles, he goes all in with stinky runny cheeses that smell like a sherpa's foot after climbing Everest. Roquefort, brie, saga, stilton, and limburger are among his favorites.The smell makes even the poor line cook's eyes water, it sparks flashbacks to WWII in the old man sitting at the next table. Dad happily chows down on the partially fermented cheese while the kids look on in disgust. He is as happy as a clam, especially because he knows no one will touch his corned beef sandwich topped with shrimp salad, thousand island, and potato chips.