#112 Packing & Moving

Moving: The biggest pain for any person. As a child it means leaving all your friends (even if you’re moving 2 blocks away—it ruins the memorized 8 minute bike ride to your best friends’ house). When going to college, it means packing away your life into compact bags and boxes, making life decisions on whether to bring ALL your hooded sweatshirts or make room for your stylish pajama pants. And post-college it means sweating through a hangover by moving broken furniture that should be on the corner with a “For Free” sign. But never free, any time you have to move or pack, Dad is there to answer the call.

Dad’s have an uncanny ability to make anything fit in a suitcase, box, trunk or drawer. “There, the bag is full” you state as you wipe off the sweat. “Not quite,” as Dad goes in for good measurement, simply rolling up your tshirts, shifting a few trinkets and he magically has made your three favorite jerseys fit for the move.

And when Dad isn’t making everything fit into your moving boxes, he is busy throwing out his back by lifting your non-flat screen TV. Dad will move all furniture in an inefficient effective manner. That spiral staircase? Yeah Dad is moving your dresser down that. Your tempurpedic mattress? Yeah, Dad will be dragging that to the U-haul.

When the truck is finally packed with boxes, lamps and bed frames, Dad takes over his duty as transporter. Jason Statham couldn’t drive a U-haul better than Dad. No mirrors? No problem—Dad will weave in and out of alleys, six corner intersections and under trees as if he has driven that automobile his whole life. 

And when everything is finally moved, Dad will give you the slight nod of “you owe me.” And while Dad will complain about “the time he helped you move” for the next five Christmas’, you know that Dad secretly lives for it. 

                     

#111: Soft Knee Braces

As we all know, unless your Dad is one of those really weird super fit guys who gets up at 4AM to run a marathon before work, Dads are well past their physical peak. They have beer bellies, flat feet, bum shoulders, no cardio fitness whatsoever, and that nagging neck injury from that one time they actually got into a football game in high school. With this laundry list of injuries you would think Dads would avoid the sports they played as teenagers. You thought WRONG. From Late Night Basketball Leagues to Roughhousing Dad keeps trying to be the physcial specimen he was in college. But Dad's body does not always agree with his brain and it fights back with sore joints. How does Dad fight back at his stupid body? With Soft Knee Braces.

Every Dad has at least one bad knee (shoot I have two of them, and I am 25) that creaks and groans with every basketball crossover or swing of a softball bat. Dad makes sure it holds up until he gets home with that simple Neoprene compression sleeve with a knee cap cut out. Or it is the thin straps that hold a ligament in place. Or it is super duty and actually has a metal brace frame. Whatever it is you can bet Dad self-diagnosed in the CVS pharmacy and bought the first Mueller (the #1 name in Dad Knee Treatment) knee brace he could find. Now Dad uses it for every physical activity. He even wears it Golfing and Shoveling the Driveway. He says it "keeps everything in place" but you are pretty sure all it does is collect sweat and smell awful. They even become a conversation point at those Dad sports leagues because every one has a different ailment that is solved by the knee sleeve. Dads discuss injuries, how they got the injury (usually throwing a touchdown in the state championship back in '78), and how their miracle of neoprene solves their problem. Although these braces only have one real use, they solve more problems that duct tape and WD-40 combined.

But it does not stop at knee braces. Dads have an assortment of wrist straps, ankle braces, hamstring compressors, tennis elbow straps, heated shoulder wraps, and an armada of ice bags and Icy Hot to fix their ailments. It is a tough job reliving the glory days of Little League baseball and high school tennis, but someone has to do it. And the soft knee braces will always be there.

#110 Trick-Or-Treat Escort

“Daaaad! Hurry up—before all the good candy is gone!” you yell while impatiently waiting at the front door in your costume. It’s brilliant but somehow was snubbed for best costume in the class contest this afternoon. Dad emerges sporting either an oversized bow tie or a clown nose that you chose out. Dad sets out for his Halloween role: trick-or-treat escort.

While you run house to house with the biggest pillow case you could find (*real trick or treaters used pillow cases, if you used a bucket I feel bad for you*), Dad examines the neighborhood with his keen Dad eye. “Check out those decorations!” Dad says while you lose count of how many Butterfingers you got from the last house. Dad is all about looking at decorations and admiring pumpkin carvings. Dad knows other Dads put hard work into them and as so they should be admired.

After each house, after you say your “thank yous,” Dad does the responsible thing and tests your candy. “Dad! Stop eating all my candy!” “Didn’t the police officers come to school? I have to check if it’s poisonous!” as he inhales the 5 mini-snickers you just worked so hard to get.

When the night is winding down (aka when you are crashing from your sugar high), it is time to head home to count your earnings. Dad comes over: “time to pay the trick-or-treat tax.” You smugly look at him and come up with a great idea: “Okay—just one handful.” Much how Dad forced you to only use one handful at each house, you assume this is a great rule to enforce back to him. Mistake.

One handful is a lot bigger when Dad takes it. His hands make Paul Bunyan’s seem like a Smurf’s. How did Dad just get half my candy with just one hand? “Now don’t eat it all or you’ll get a stomach ache” advises Dad as he leaves to finally rest from the day. Trick or treating may be hard work, but it’s even harder for Dad to supervise you doing it. 

                   

#109: Being Good at Random Games

It is a glorious day. Dad is taking everyone bowling. You get to eat pizza, throw heavy balls down a greased lane, play arcade games, wear funny shoes, and make up funny names for the bowling screen. What?! Who took Poo and Ass already? Of course, no one in the group is good at bowling and elation insues when one cracks triple digits...except Dad. Dad for some reason knows how to spin the ball, fire it straight down the lane, pick up spares, pick up the 7-10 split, everything. As he picks up his 3rd turkey of the day you can't help but wonder how he does it...because he is a Dad.

Dads have been around, seen it all, and picked up skills along the way. Remember, he went to college before video games and cable so when he got drunk they played games to pass the time. Bowling, poker, darts, billiards, skee ball, croquet, kick the can, lawn darts, bocce, and many others were at their disposal. And no they didn't do it on Wii Sports, this was real life ladies and gents. Dad is a seasoned veteran and if he can do it as a drunk college boy, you bet your butt he can do it as a mildly inebriated Dad with a moustache and a braided leather belt. Don't worry he will teach you the tricks of the trade in due time.

True Story, my circle of friends in middle/high school were all taught to bowl the same way (stare at the alley arrow where you want the ball to roll, it is an easy aiming tool). How did we all learn the same way? By a friend's Dad who took us bowling. You all know who you are...

So don't worry if Dad sends you in croquet or dominates you in bocce by getting his stones right on top of the target ball. It is all a learning process. Like the time Dad skunked you in Cricket or sunk the 8 ball before you had a chance to sink one ball. It's okay, you can still destroy him in Goldeneye 64.

#108 Tube Socks

These socks are HUGE. Who even wears these? Dad walks by wearing socks with his sandals and you realize the answer to your question. Dads single handedly keep Hanes in business with their purchase of tube socks. Socks are uncomfortable as is, with the ability to keep sweat in your feet and produce odor for all to smell how long you’ve been walking all day. Dads prefer to show off that smell with complimentary two stripes along the top of their socks.

The tube sock is meant for working out (why would I want longer socks to work out in), but instead it has become a fashion necessity for Dads. The tube sock will go great with Dad’s sweater vests and it keeps his feet in fresh form. Tube socks are the epitome of the ultimate Dad motto: practicality. It doesn’t matter how something looks as long as it has a function.

The best part of Tube Socks for Dad is the tan line they leave. Dad’s legs hardly see daylight because of his business slacks and Dad jeans on the weekends. But on occasion when shorts present themselves, Dad makes sure not to expose his legs to UV rays by wearing Tube Socks. Those ankles are quite fragile and need to stay protected and warm.

So next time you see the college girls wearing high socks to match their head bands, keep in mind that they probably stole those fashion items from Dad. 

                              

#107: Pictures in His Wallet

As we have highlighted many many times on this site, there are tons of ways Dads can tell who else is a Dad. Whether it is the sweater vest, the huge prescription glasses or thick bushy moustache (if it's the 80s), Dads just know who is one of them. Now when Dads meet they need to do a symbolic exchange to prove their Dadness. That is when the wallet picture comes in handy.

Everyone always hated school picture day. It was always the day you had to wear a collar or a stupid tie to school and everyone made fun of you, even though they were all wearing dorky clothes too. But there is a reason for photo day besides mom being able to update your picture along the main stairway at home. It is so Dad can stuff his picture into his already gigantic wallet (probably doesn't take out the old one, increasing the wallet thickness) to whip out whenever he talks about you. So as he talks to his co-workers or new Dad friend about kids he will casually open up his wallet and the slide show begins.

There are two schools of thought on wallet pictures. The sane way would be to have a recent picture of all the kids and one family photo folded into a pocket of the wallet. But the usual Dad way is to have one of those plastic Jacob's Ladder things that contains a story of his kid's life. The one that unleashes a cascade of pictures that drag down to Dad's White New Balances. That way Dad can glow and gush about your tee ball game from ten years ago to the Starbucks cashier. Because we all know once you hit college, those pictures aren't going to change. It will be the same ones for years.

So try not to act too embarrassed when Dad whips out the wallet pictures. He just wants to show off his kids to the hostess, gushing about his Dadness. As we always say here at TSD, when you become a Dad you will do it too.

#106: Telling You What He'd Do...

Did you watch the presidential debate last night? Chances are that Dad did. And while you remained confused as to what was actually being said, Dad was being stating what he would do:

“If I were president, I would be doing such a better job!” No matter if Dad likes or dislikes the current president, He guarantees he would do a better job. But in true political fashion, Dad doesn’t say what he would do. But that doesn’t prevent Dad from sharing his opinion. 

Much like a Monday morning quarterback, Dad appears wisest when sharing what he’d do in hindsight. “Well what I would’ve done…” “If I had been in your position…” are muttered over black coffee & bran cereal. It is this very Dad nature that makes us turn to Dad for advice. It is the reason his dinner time questions and idioms blow our minds and clarify life lessons without saying anything at all.

Dad doesn’t reserve telling you what he’d do for when you ask, rather he’ll impose his way of thinking before you even realize it. Dad is the coach you never asked for, making Dear Abbey useless. “I’d doubleknot those shoes if I were you.” ”I would’ve stretched more…” “I’d give your mother a kiss if I were you.” “I’d apologize to your teacher if I were you.” Guess what Dad? You’re not me. But always take Dad’s suggestions to heart before dismissing it, because Dad often has a point--He's already done it once when He was your age.