#138: To Do/Check Lists

After a long week of work, Dad wants to spend the weekend cracking open beers, relaxing in his chair and watching golf. He deserves it. But that’s when mom hands him the honey-do list.

You may think you’re the only one that has chores. But Dad’s get a list of them. And rightfully so because Dad’s can’t function without To Do and Check lists. While mom’s can multi-tasks (cooking dinner while on the phone with grandma and teaching you algebra all at the same time), Dad needs a break down of tasks that need to be handled one at a time.

While your chores consist of taking out the garbage (And take it all the way to sidewalk? You think I’m a superhero or something?), Dad has to pay credit cards, clean the garage, clean the gutters, pick up dry cleaning, buy gift for the nephew we never see, pick up dinner, build new desk for study, refill ink cartridge, and install router for wireless internet.

The To-Do list immediately goes into Dad’s pocket next to his belt strap phone holder. He will pull it out only to review his progress and also complain to the cashier at the hard-ware store to show “how much the old lady is making me do.”

Don’t worry Dad because as soon as you cross off all the tasks from that To-Do list, there’ll be another one waiting to handle during the week after work. 

#137: Weird Condiments

"I'm hungry, I wanna sandwich." Dad mutters as he gets out of his chair and shuffles to the kitchen. That is the signal to stay OUT of the kitchen because things are about to get weird. Dads run on a balanced and highly calculated diet of coffee, grilled meats, scotch, and smothering food in weird condiments. We have already highlighted Dad's infatuation with the huge sandwich but we have yet to touch on the toppings Dad puts on EVERYTHING. You think you are fancy because you like ketchup and the occasional mustard on your hot dog? You are not even close to Dad level when it comes to condiments.

When Dad orders a hot dog, it is required to have as many toppings as possible. Dad puts the basic Chicago Style Dog (Vienna Beef hot dog, mustard, neon relish, onion, tomato, pickle spear, sport peppers, celery salt on a poppy seed bun for the uninitiated out there) to shame. He starts tame, things like grilled onions and yellow mustard. But before you know it he has sauerkraut, cheese whiz, horseradish, jalapenos, spicy mustard, hot sauce, and several things you didn't even know existed on top of that little tube of meat. For good measure he may even ask for another hot dog on top to round it out. It basically looks like a trash can emptied on top of a bun and smells AWFUL. Dad puts it down in two bites.

Dad of course loves weird condiments because of a few reasons: there are some tastes that only appeal to Dads (kimchi anyone?), and he puts them on his food so no one else will eat it. Also he loves grossing out his kids and embarrassing them when he holds up the sandwich line as they spoon sardines out onto his Reuben. And let's not forget the cheese! Dad doesn't draw the line at Kraft American singles, he goes all in with stinky runny cheeses that smell like a sherpa's foot after climbing Everest. Roquefort, brie, saga, stilton, and limburger are among his favorites.The smell makes even the poor line cook's eyes water, it sparks flashbacks to WWII in the old man sitting at the next table. Dad happily chows down on the partially fermented cheese while the kids look on in disgust. He is as happy as a clam, especially because he knows no one will touch his corned beef sandwich topped with shrimp salad, thousand island, and potato chips.

#136 Asking Logical Questions about Rap

After Dad has exposed you to the wonders of Jazz for the past hour, he finally gives you control of the car stereo. That is when you take the opportunity to blast some of your rebellious Rap and/or R&B. Dad doesn’t comprehend this bubble gum music. And while you embrace the beats, he is busy trying to understand the lyrics to make sure they aren’t offensive. 

That is when Dad pulls the ultimate Dad move: questions. You’re used to Dad questioning you at the dinner table, but his logical questions about rap songs are the best. Please find some example Dad questions below and see if you can figure out the song he is asking about.

So where did he get his start? And where is he now? (Answer)

Why would they forget about him? (Answer)

Why can't she remember her name? (Answer)

If it wasn’t him, who was it? (Answer)

What do you think Caroline did to him? (Answer)

What’s a boo? (Answer) 

Don’t bands want her to dance? (Answer)

Do you even know what he’s saying? (Answer: Any Pitbull song)

What are they even saying? (Answer: Any rap song)

Now Dad poses them as rhetorical questions, but expects straight answers. So next time you feel the urge to play your music around Dad, be ready to answer some questions.

#135: Burying Kids in the Sand

Summer is getting closer and closer, even though the Midwestern weather doesn't say so, and that means beach days are coming! Kids love the beach because it has a myriad of activities. Building sand castles, chasing sea gulls, play frisbee, swimming, trying to body surf, accidentally swallowing a mouthful of salt water while trying to body surf, the list goes on. But Dad really goes to the beach to relax AKA be really boring and fall asleep. His nap tends to be cut short when his rugrat keeps saying he is bored or if Dad wants to play or just does not stop screaming. Dad has a solution that allows him to bond with his son AND get the kid to calm down. Bury him in the sand.

Every child that has gone to the beach has had the idea of just digging a gigantic hole. I loved getting down to the water table where the hole had a little pool in it. Or sometimes I got my Jules Verne on and tried to dig to the center of the earth. The end result of course is wanting to get buried in the hole so only your head sticks out. Dad is more than happy to oblige. This is Dads favorite beach activity that involves moving (besides digging through the cooler for another beer). Before you know it Dad's gargantuan hands shovel the sand snuggly around you and only your head is exposed, like a beach ball chillin on a sand dune. If Dad has done it well, he has packed the sand tight enough that you can't move. It's virtually a tomb, a strait jacket, purgatory, a time out while Dad gets some shut eye. You have been duped. At least the view is good until Dad decides to help did you out.

#134 Talking to Strangers

When Dad isn’t falling asleep in public places, you can definitely count on him making some new friends. Since you’re too busy ignoring Dad (because geez, so embarrassing), Dad talks to anyone within a 5 foot radius of him.

It’ll usually begin with a Dad-ism. “I wish my bananas were THIS ripe! AM I RIGHT?!” So embarrassing and yet the grocery cashier chuckled. And that’s when Dad thinks he found his new best friend. And you’ll be stuck there for the next 30 minutes as he tells the same story over and over.

And then once they’ve become friends, Dad realizes he’s been rude:
“Oh I’m sorry—this is my son. He wet the bed until he was 8.”
Really? Why?
Dad is always set to embarrass you.

You’d think Dad would set a better example, considering how many times he tells you not to talk to strangers. But do as Dad says, not as he does. These interactions happen with anyone. Grocery cashiers, bank tellers, waitresses, the random person walking their dog. Dad’s conversation skills are non-discriminatory. If you are within earshot, he will converse with you. And pray you don’t see anyone wearing the same or similar shirt as him. Because that conversation will not be in the form of talking, but rather a bunch of finger pointing and Fonzie like “Eeeeeyyyy”s.

#133: Galoshes

Spring is upon us which with it brings baseball, birds chirping, and days where rain never ends. How is Dad supposed to walk to the train for work or mulch the yard for the summer with all this precipitation? Well young man he just slips on his overshoes, his rain boots. Or what real Dads call them: galoshes.

Galoshes, for the uninitiated, are thick leather or rubber shoes you slip over your normal shoes so they don't get ruined. They are also another name for rain boots. In true Dad form, although he tends to look ridiculous in galoshes, he knows they are VERY practical. They gain bonus points because they also embarrass his kids when he runs errands in them What?? You expect me to walk through a wet parking lot WITHOUT my galoshes?? They usually are caked in mud from what ever project Dad made up in order to get away from the kids for a few hours. Usually something like digging a drain pipe, tilling the garden, or coaching an AYSO soccer game during a tsunami. They NEVER get washed off either since Dads see the mud as battle scars, something to compare with other Dads on the block as they discuss the virtues of manure for the rose bushes or compare notes on garage maintenance.

Dad may even have a supplemental pair of galoshes exclusively for rainy travel days. After spending all morning making Dad noises in the bathroom getting ready for work and splashing on that bottle of Old Spice aftershave that he bought when David Lee Roth was still in Van Halen, the last thing Dad wants is for the rain to ruin his commute. So of course he grabs the ol' umbrella, puts on his sweet trench coat, and slips on the galoshes to protect his tasseled loafers. It isn't too common when Dad drives, but if he takes the train you better believe galoshes are worn the second it even hints at spitting rain. Commuter trains in the morning are filled with galoshes, all identical with their thick black hides. Dads don't even acknowledge them they are so commonplace. The new Dad on the train will wonder why these weirdos wear shoes over their shoes, but he will learn the second he gets off the train and a cab soaks his Cole Haans. Veteran Dads will just shake their heads in his ignorance, he has so much to learn...

#132 College Tours

 

It is spring break for most people, which means college campuses are being bombarded by prospective high schoolers. As you try to look cool in your varsity jackets and color rubber-banded braces, Dad is pestering the tour guide about every nuanced detail of the college. See when Dad isn’t interrogating you at the dinner table as if it were a job interview, he’s asking those questions to someone else. And what better time that on a college tour, something that will define your future for the rest of your life.

“Can you tell us about the student faculty ratio?”
“What do most people major in? Is there a specialty? How often do kids switch their major?”
“What is the retention rate? What is the graduation rate? What is the international student percentage rate?”
How many questions can you ask using rate?

While you’re concerned if Greek life exists, (and if so, does it haze?), Dad needs to know the ins and outs of the school. Dad claims this is about your future, but in reality it’s about the investment he’s making with his bank account. With all the questions Dad is asking, he is mainly trying to get the answer to” “Can my kid go here and not become a screw up?”

So while you claim that the school is your top choice because it “felt” right, Dad is making sure that you’ll have a great experience at it. Yes, education is important, but Dad wants to be able to compare his college stories with yours. And compare old college sweaters.